Genetic Anomaly or Run of the Mill Freak?

The motivation just hasn't been around for me to do much of anything, I'm starting to retreat into myself and continue to have a feeling that something is going to happen, I don't know if its good or bad I just have an odd feeling, I'm starting to feel depressed again and I'm not sure if that's because I held in my emotions to get through Christmas, which I might add was just barely. My mother managed to control herself and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves which is rare in this home.

With Christmas over and the new year fast approaching, I keep thinking of all the resolutions people are going to be posting about and everyone making all these plans to change, and I'm all over here like "oh wow that's kewl I'm gonna try really hard not to get so depressed that I cut myself or try to do myself in" ha ha. the amount of times I think about suicide in a day is immeasurable. I'm not going to kill myself but the thoughts are still there along with a resounding resentment towards anyone who isn't as fucked in the head as I am. I keep seeing pics of everyone at parties and having a good time and I feel left out in a way even thought its my own doing along with my brain. I see my family doing every day things like getting the mail and think I used to do that now if I even try my brain suddenly screams "stop don't move you're going to die, its too open out here, you're too exposed" then my heart agrees with my brain and starts speeding up and I get so panicked that it stops and I get zapped by the devil machine in my chest.

I have a lot of resentment towards my device, I didn't get a choice in the matter of getting it either. when I was 9 after crashing my bike multiple times and injuring myself in the process people were trying to figure out what was wrong as it became apparent I wasn't as clumsy as everyone thought I was, I mean I can still destroy a room just by tripping over my own feet but this was something other than that, First though was its got to be my brain, I had an MRI and everything checkout out with that nothing in my brain was making me crash my bike or collapse unexpectedly so next step was a heart Dr where I had a stress test, when the test was over nobody said anything to me, the Dr's took my mother to another room and when they came back I was put into a wheelchair had an IV stuck into my arm and was admitted to the hospital. For a 9 year old that's fucking scary. I spend almost a month in the ICU before I got so depressed I stopped eating and they eventually moved me to the children's ward where I spent another two months getting tests done and surgeries for biopsies till they slapped the condition of Long QT syndrome and then scheduled me for surgery to have the pacemaker/defibrillator put in and the long QT condition which was a misdiagnosis as I have now been diagnosed with CPVT which is basically the same thing and has less known about it than the other thing, once again my blood was taken and sent to a lab where it was discovered that I am a genetic anomaly and that nobody has seen a strain of DNA like mine before, my heart is fine though, meds and the devil device help.

I have though created a cage for myself in order to never be shocked and in doing so have become quite the crazy. I can't stay home alone, I can't do anything alone, I'm scared all the time and have successfully driven away any friends I had previously and am slowly driving my family to insanity with my insanity. If I had one wish it would be to never be afraid again and even though I struggle to control the fear, its just so hard and tiring and sometimes I just want it all to stop. The fighting and the fear and just everything. ugh this got depressing fast didn't it? anyway lets wrap this up. Don't make resolutions just live your life, lets things happen and take it day by day. that's what I'm trying to do at least in my own crazy way

I'm hanging on the best I can, I have an amazing therapist and a handful of friends I know I can count on, This new year will either make me or break me. I have so many plans so lets hope I can make some of my dreams a reality. anyone who needs someone to talk to feel free to shoot me a text or something 352-428-5469 or an email nt68863@yahoo.com I can't say ill be of any help but Ive done and been though some pretty shitty stuff so maybe you can learn from my mistakes or just have someone who will listen to whats going on. 

Is this real life?

No I'm not dead, sorry its been so long since I've posted. Ive been in a bit of a funk and haven't felt like doing much of anything lately. I'm still on track with my weight loss, I strayed a bit around Thanksgiving and did a bit of binge eating but not too much so things didn't get too much out of control , recently lost about 5 pounds so that's a big confidence booster when you feel like you haven't lost anything and it was a surprise to me :)

I'm stilling eating everything I love and my body is changing shape, my clothes fit funny lately, more loose. For now I'm living in basketball shorts and sweatpants since they can hang on and don't really have a specific size, although I was living in basketball shorts before so its not really a difference.

I'm still going to the gym and still doing my 45 minutes despite my hatred of sweating and doing anything before noon. Its paying off, some days I wish I could just wake up and have lost all the weight I wanna lose and just stay home. Part of me does enjoy going to the gym, its very small though.

I guess theres not much else to say, my posts will be few and not often because of Christmas coming up. Trying to organize a family dinner and making sure the police dept is on speed dial, not really but all the knives will be hidden as a precaution. Its a shame I don't have one of those dart guns I could just shoot unruly guests and make them sleep bwahaha Here's a recent pic of me and also one of my cat

What would Dean Winchester do?

I missed writing, because of the lousy Internet in my area I haven't been able to get a good enough signal to even post something so here goes I guess. I don't exactly live in the boonies but apparently to the Internet company I do so its whatever I guess. At this moment in time the Internet appears to be holding strong and I've got my fingers,toes and eyes crossed it stays that way.

 I'm starting to fall into that slow descent into depression again. Nothing has changed in my life, yet I feel  like I'm slipping away. I'm trying to hard to keep myself upbeat and happy like I have been the last few weeks. My weight loss is going well, I'm still exercising but my mind is scattered and broken and I'm feeling a little lost and scared and confused. I can't seem to have a straight thought. I want to cut myself or eat till I feel something even if its pain. I know I won't but that doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. I feel like I'm a robot that's barely functioning and I'm not sure how to fix myself or get out of this funk. If I were Dean Winchester I would probably just kick some demon ass or something and I would feel a lot better but sadly I'm not so I'm gonna have to figure this one out on my own I suppose.

I'm trying to keep positive but maybe I'm just having an off week or two who knows. For now I'm just gonna let these feeling play out and see what happens, I did clean and re-arrange my entire room tonight also redid some of the snakes and gecko cage set ups so they have new things to explore and such, Those things make me happy. To see my animals exploring and happy, they are the bright spot to my cloudy days.

Well Ive kinda run out of things to say, which is strange for me. So until my next post…..and keep the emails and comments coming I really do enjoy talking to each and everyone who has messaged me.

I really kinda like how this pic came out it sort of reflects the mood I'm in, kinda dark yet happy if that makes sense.  Since theres so demons or evil spirits to blast away with salt I'm just going to continue to watch Dean Winchester do that for me on my iPad :) g'night all.

Big, Small and Anything in Between

So I went clothes shopping today, just to get a few things for the cooler weather coming and a new pair of pants. While shopping with my aunt I held up a dress and asked her what do you think, she said "its nice but Its not the type of dress people with lumps can wear" the dress was a relatively clingy dress but if purchased in my size would not have been overly tight. Her statement really upset me, I know quite a few bigger woman who are a larger size naturally and they love who they are and are proud of who they are, I'm losing weight because I felt I needed too, I'm not rushing it and I'm letting the weight come of naturally. I was depressed and hated the way I looked before, and I'm still not a fan of how I look now but now that Ive started eating better and exercising I feel better and my mood has improved tremendously.

My aunt used to be my size roughly 200lbs and has lost about 70lbs, and I applaud her and her
weightloss efforts. She looks good now but I kinda feel like she doesn't have an open mind or she thinks because she used to be fat and thought she looked gross she thinks all big woman are gross, I'm don't know but her comment really struck a nerve with me today. I follow a lovely woman named Andrea on instagram and she is an inspiration to me to love my body no matter what it looks like. shes big and proud and love to show off the body god gave her. She also makes some kick ass jewelry.

I wish I could dress with her confidence, although most of the things I bought today were a size smaller than what I usually buy and most of them are not baggy and don't hide my body like a lot of my other clothes. I guess what I'm saying and I think I touched on this on another of my posts but if your body is bigger and its not big because your eating entire pizzas and bags of donuts then love it and show it off, don't hide it. Big is beautiful, small is beautiful anything in between is beautiful. 

And its boring today

Been thinking the last few days that I feel lighter jumped on the scale and noticed I had lost another 7 pounds Whoo hoo for me! I still feel fat just not like fat fat and tonight I had some pizza and stopped when I felt full and there was still pizza left. Sweet

Its still a daily struggle, It probably always will be. As for other aspects of my life things are going good, My anxiety is still high as I'm worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet as usual. I'm noticing my face looks smaller although theres still some chins on my neck just not so many haha.

Ive got more energy and Ive just been happy a lot even though theres plenty of stuff going on that should depress me. I'm just in a really good place right now but I am always expecting the other shoe to fall and something horrible to happen and ill go back to being depressed again or something. I sure hope not.

Well hopefully my next post is well...more than this one was haahaha.

Frozen in Fear

I haven't felt much like posting anything the last few days, not entirely sure why. Its still hard getting through each day without scarfing down every bit of food I see but my cravings are more manageable now. I have been really tired though, which could be because I'm not running solely on sugar now haha or I'm just not getting enough sleep, who knows. Its been a weird week for me.

For the last few years Ive struggled with a panic disorder, I no longer live my life normally, I'm in a constant state of fear and anxiety theres hardly a moment when I'm not anxious about something. It completely controls me, I could be doing something Ive done for years and then suddenly I'm frozen in fear and cant move or breathe or think. Its really very frustrating, in my mind I cant even imagine doing something normally even that makes me nervous and afraid.

Its very hard on me and my family and has completely destroyed my friendships, I used to be surrounded by friends and drive and go out and do stupid stuff, now whatever friends I do have are online or have to come to me, Its part of the reason I turned to food so much because I had nothing else to do but sit inside and eat and sleep. I'm not sure how I will get over it, I try every day. Its a struggle just to compose myself enough to get out of bed and go out with my aunt but I only do this because the thought of staying home alone is more terrifying than what could happen going to the gym or the supermarket although sometimes I cant even do that as those things are terrifying as well.

Someday I know I will be able to go back to the way I was before, hopefully before most of my family dies off because I would really love to be able to take Ollie on walks again or drive or just do something other than what I'm doing now.

I need to think more like Vinny which isn't really thinking at all he just does stuff hehe

Happy all the Time

The great thing about this new weight loss/healthy eating journey is that it was hard in the beginning but now not so much, It gives me a chance to try new things although now that Ive found the foods I like i tend to stick to those. Something new I tried today was like a freeze dried cranberry thing, its freaking delicious, its something I used to go eww at whenever I saw it at the store and now I'm like when can I get more?

Last post I talked about my self injury and some of my reasoning's behind it, I got an insane response from nasty people to some great people that felt the way I did and asked for some advice and are now on their way to getting the help they need, I am so filled with joy when I know some of the things I post on here help someone in some way, This is not only helping me but other folks too.

I struggle to keep up with the healthy bit of this journey but I can see its all worth it. A lot of people are commenting on how I look and how much better I look, sometimes I think I see it and other times I think I look the same if not larger and I feel bad, but the scale doesn't lie and I have lost weight but I guess its just gonna take some time for me to notice myself.

Lately I feel less tired and have more energy as well as noticing that old clothes that were previously tight now fit me so its taking time but the weights coming off. Also Ive been super super happy lately which I'm not sure why but it could be the exercise since exercising releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy.  Either way I'm happy :)

Self Injury and Making it all Real

For a long time since I was about 14 I used self-injury as an escape or more for me as a punishment I felt I deserved. I tried to take my own life several times and ended up being hospitalized twice for those attempts. I hated myself and my body, I hated the way people treated me, I did everything I could to make sure I was different and cut off from people. I ate and after I ate I felt awful and punished myself with cutting or if someone was mean to be I thought it was because of something I did or that something was wrong with me and would go and hurt myself.

When I first started it used to hurt and over time I didn't feel it anymore so I cut deeper and more often and all over, I wanted to die a lot of the time. I hid behind my scars and behind my ever growing body because I was ashamed. It has taken me years to realize that I did those things because I wanted whatever I was feeling at the time to go away, focusing on eating or hurting myself was easier that facing what my actual problems were. I hated my body for a long time and always felt jealous around my friends who were thinner than I was, people made fun of me but I just made fun of myself along with them because I didn't want them to see that their words affected me,instead I just hurt myself.

It took me a very long time to realize that I needed to change in order to feel better, it has been months since I have injured myself although I still get strong,strong urges to do it  and it has been almost an entire month into my new healthy lifestyle, I feel better about myself and actually want to be seen. My anxiety is still as bad as ever which drives my aunt insane and part of my anxiety is about losing weight and what I will look like without all this fat on my body and how people will look at me, I'm already getting attention and people commenting on how good I look which kinda makes me feel weird a bit. I'm still self conscious, I still have scars on my arms and body from hurting myself and sometimes people ask about those I try to avoid it as much as possible but now I kinda feel like people should know and realize they don't have to do what I did to myself just to feel better. I'm like the handbook on how not to deal with stressful situations.

This is kind of a more serious post but after somebody tried to use my past transgressions against me earlier I decided to open up a bit, some people who will read this will know things I thought I would never share with them but its time they knew and its time I actually put it down into words instead of letting it mill about in my head, once its on paper or I guess the Internet it makes it more real and makes me more accountable for it as well.

My animals play a huge role in my life though too and give me something to care for, I have ponies and a horse and snakes and cats and rats and geckos, all kinds of critters and they require a lot of care. They keep me sane, even in my darkest spots I know they need me and I think about them before doing anything stupid now as well as having a human support system to go with them :)

If anyone feel the need to hurt themselves or even take their own life please contact a counselor or a therapist, your parents or even the suicide hot line, Ive lost friends to suicide and cant imagine how my family would have felt had I actually died during one of my attempts. Its not a laughing matter and there are people who can help. Now I gotta go take a poopski talk to you folks tomorrow.

Gotta love Fridays right?

Ive been so scatterbrained lately I missed posting, Well its almost a month and total weight loss so far is 18 pounds. People are commenting on how I'm looking thinner and just better in general although I have to admit that the last two days I cheated I had subway and Chinese food all in the same day, I didn't binge eat I stopped when I was full but still I felt like a big ol cheater .

Sticking to eating healthier foods is hard. On paper it seems easy like oh well instead of pizza I can eat some salad and some chicken but in actuality its so hard, I never realized the temptations that exist out there because Ive never ignored them before if I wanted candy I got it and ate it now I look but don't buy it. Sometimes it feels so good to be able to ignore the bad foods and its like a little personal victory for me. I spend a lot of time thinking about eating the foods I used to which I'm not sure is a good or bad thing.

I have tons more energy now and Ive started going a bit faster on the treadmill without seeing too much difference in my heart rate which means my stamina is b uilding up and I can do so much more. I gotta spend a bit more time on the treadmill though lately I just do my 45 minutes and stop when I feel like I can do more and I know I can but I just don't and that's really just my laziness and has nothing to do with my actual abilities.

I think next post I will do one of the recipes Ive been making that's meat free and super delicious. For now I have to go clean my snake cages and feed my rats.

                                            heres a cute picture of my mini horse Ollie

Sleep Deprivation and Kittens

Gym day today and I did awesome made it 45 minutes and still had energy yet didn't go further, maybe next time. I starting to notice my weight loss and other people are even commenting, I can see my cheekbones faintly now; my face has a shape other than fat.

So Ive been thinking a lot about how much weight I want to lose and realistically I should lose about 100 pounds but who knows I might be happier if I only lose 30 pounds I don't know as Ive never really thought of myself as any other size than what I am now. I'm just going with the flow, not eating crap food and eating healthy food and smaller meals as well. The weight is not flying off but its going away slowly and in time I can see whats what.

Those healthy choice frozen steamer meals are freaking awesome, I don't have to prepare anything I just toss them in the microwave and cook em and eat them. Since I'm so lazy this works perfectly for me for people who like to cook a really simple snack Ive been making is zucchini fries. Theres tons of recipes for them online check em out and eat em, they are freaking delicious! This is another short post as Ive been bottle feeding a kitten since Saturday and haven't slept more than a few hours, and if I keep writing I might start telling you about my hallucinations which are sure to start soon from the sleep deprivation, not really but who knows with me.

<3 all the emails I'm receiving and I'm so thrilled that I can be an inspiration for people anyone wanting to  keep in touch or get recipes or even just vent shoot me an email at nt68863@yahoo.com

Cramps are a real bitch

Cramps are a bitch, I went to the gym today and tried to do my 45 minutes but I just couldn't make it because of the damn cramps ugh its pretty frustrating when I want to actually work out and my body wont let me. On the other hand I got to sit on the end of the treadmill while my aunt finished her workout and watch all the potential stroke victims that attend my gym, theres a small corner where semi good looking men and woman hang out and lift weights but for the most part is nearly dead old people using the sit down StairMaster and overweight middle aged woman attending zumba classes.

I'm not knocking these people, I applaud them for getting out there doing what they are doing I'm just stating what I see there, Theres a real trooper of a woman who actually brings an oxygen tank with her and totes it around from machine to machine shes pretty bad ass. Vinny got to see another service dog at the gym which was odd for him and me since I usually let him kinda just do his own thing there as everyone knows him but didn't want him bothering the other dog so I had to keep hold of his leash, I did lose another pound and its deff starting to show at this point, my cat on the other hand gained a pound her head looks like it was just stuck to a butterball turkey, she seems happy though and I doubt I can get her to trot along on a treadmill so shes staying chubby for now.

Also my legs are getting so muscular now I mean they were before from when I used to ride horses but now they are like tree trunks of steel I could kick a hole through someones face now that is if I could kick that high, OK let me rephrase I could kick a hole through a short persons face. I feel stronger and I look forward to going to the gym, Now to get over all my other issues.

                                          My eyes looked freaking awesome today..... just saying

Literally Just Rambling

Due to the loss of one of my pets I didn't get to post yesterday like I had planned so lets just jump right in on something that's been bugging me. When I decided to lose weight to get healthier I started noticing all these "Love the body you are in" pics floating around and pages with big girls saying I love the body I'm in and that's fine if that is indeed how your body is then I think that's fine, but what bothers me is when I see these girls that I know can have better looking/healthier bodies and are just using that as an excuse to hide behind. I'm not really dieting, I'm eating differently and exercising I'm just losing weight along the way I don't have a goal weight in mind or anything whatever comes off comes off.

Loving the body you are in is great but If the body you are in is like 300 pounds and all you eat is candy and pizza and act like you love your body then in my opinion you don't actually love your body, if you have curves and want to flaunt them then go for it but be healthy. I freaking hate vegetables so I'm not really eating a ton of those, the ones I'm eating Ive found ways to make them taste like things I actually like. also another thing bothering me is big woman like I mean fat woman wearing clothes that don't fit and saying they are showing off their curves, uh uh no ma'am sorry but I have friends who are built curvy and big and they do not dress like that. They look good and pull it off and don't look like they just rolled out of the hookers r us dumpster. Sorry I'm being kinda mean tonight aren't I ? I'm in a bit of a shitty mood.

Ive lost 14 pounds! yay me. and my family is supporting me throughout even my uncle wrote me some words of encouragement and even shared some his own struggles and even though  his weren't the same as mine it still meant a lot to hear what he had to say and only gave me that extra push to keep going and do what I need to do to get healthy. Tomorrow is a gym day and as usual I'm going to go for my 45 minute walk even though all I really wanna do is sleep, but alas I have errands to run.

hai guys I think I can see my cheekbones now

Image Issues and Future Financial Burdens

Almost went two days before posting I'm falling behind lol. I'm feeling kinda down because I seem to have stopped losing weight daily 13 pounds and now its stopped this is where it gets heard because I don't see a daily difference and get discouraged if I weigh myself every day so I have to stop that hehe.
I'm sure I'm losing weight as I'm still eating all the same foods as when I started on this healthy life path. I did eat an entire publix sub today instead of half but that was my only transgression.

It is a bit easier to walk on the treadmill and just in general. I'm starting to get more stamina, and my clothes are definitely looser that's for sure, my pants don't stay up but that could be due to me not having an ass at all. I do seem to have had a bit of anxiety and I'm not exactly sure what its from, sadly I'm a little afraid to lose weight. I feel like once I'm not a fat person that people want to look away from that too much attention will be drawn to me, I'm not being conceited but I'll tell ya I'm kind of a looker ;) Also I dread having to shop and get all new clothes. I don't have that kind of money, half the clothes I own I either found or got for like two dollars each at hot topic and Ive had the same pair of pants for like a few years at least, right now my wardrobe consists of basketball shorts and t-shirts.

Ugh see the problems I'm faced with in the challenge of losing weight not to mention the financial burden its going to cause. I'm sure ill get over it and of course I'm sure I can convince a few family members to get me some new things once I'm down a few sizes cough,cough hehe. Sometimes I think well I could just have a bit of chips or candy but I know the way my mind works ill make it back into a habit and end up bigger than before. I'm gonna stick with it and see how it goes its only been two weeks we will see how things look after a month.

Im so hungry I could eat a....

So clearly I cant post everyday as life just seems to happen lol but I will try my hardest to at lest get a post up every other day. I got an interesting email today asking about why I decided all of a sudden to lose weight and was it a long thought out decision or was it just spur of the moment? To be honest its a little of both. For quite some time I knew I was getting bigger and that I needed to lose weight but I also didn't want to because for me to decide I needed to lose weight also meant I would have to face that I had a problem and only until recently did I really start to focus and see I was getting out of breath getting up out of bed and walking more than a few feet, I was getting dizzy if I got up to fast, being hot all the time. I decided a long time ago to lose weight I just never actually did anything until now.

I'm addicted to food. Not eating what I used to is making me sick and shaky and craving sugar like crazy, but now that I'm on day 12 its not as bad, if I see it in the store or something all I want to do is grab it and eat it but I know that doing that would make life the way it was with me all out of breath panting like a bulldog in a hot car whenever I got up or not being able to walk very far or getting dizzy again. I feel better eating how I'm eating and I feel more like I think I should and what I know I would've felt like all the time had I not eaten myself to blimp size.

I'm loving fruits and vegetables and yogurt and all sorts of new things now. Things I turned my nose up at and said eww before, Vegetables can taste good :) who knew right? I  lost another 2 pounds bringing the total to 13 pounds lost I think. Don't go by my math though its horrible. weigh 221 right now so whatever that is lol. I love getting emails from people having the same issues I am or did and knowing that I'm helping them in some way or even making them smile a bit, every little thing helps.

Be the real you. Don't hide behind food or something like self injury, if you think you're fat go to a Dr get their opinion don't be afraid to talk to someone, or if you think you're too skinny talk to your Dr or a therapist or even a friend don't feel alone or like theres something wrong with you. Every ones got awesome in them some people just need some help to get it out there to show the world.

Actual Happy not Food Happy

I missed posting yesterday, Ive been so tired lately. Yesterday was a gym day but I was only able to go 30 minutes on the treadmill for some reason I was getting dizzy and Vinny my service dog kept alerting me so I stopped, today I felt much better and went 46 minutes and still felt like I could go more with the exception of my knee hurting which I'm sure it hurts from carrying my fat butt around. It really is getting easier to walk on the treadmill and make better choices although I slipped yesterday and had two frozen dinner things instead of one but at least they both had vegetables in them.

I'm really surprised that I'm getting responses from people who are or have gone through the same thing I am. Now that I'm not taking the appetite suppressants its all on me now to make the right choices when I had to pills I wasn't hungry and had more energy mostly because those things are pretty much speed which with my heart condition wasn't a good mix, although I did feel as if I could run a marathon or it was more like that scene in Corky Romano where the guy is all high on cocaine and cant stop talking and yelling. I'm just me now and its all my choices now that will either make me or break me, this is day 10 the tipping point and Ive made it so far! I'm actually doing it, Ive lost a total of 9 pounds which isn't much when I weighed 234 but its slowly looking better. I can do this, I think....

Downloading healthier recipes and cooking healthier foods and eating the frozen meal things are super good although they are kinda small to me but then again I'm not used to eating regular portions so it could be normal sized for people who don't eat entire pizzas and sadly I have eaten things I found under my couch, I'm not saying they were just loose under there just that I wasn't sure how old they were but I ate them anyways. I'm not proud of it but I still did it and it was gross. I'm also starting to not feel as anxious all the time with the exercise I'm too tired to be scared I think, I mean I still get scared and I by no means over my panic disorder I'm just feeling better and don't feel so foggy anymore either.

I guess all these years of thinking I felt fine and that I was happy weren't true, I'm happy but I feel somehow different like I was happy before but only after I had filled myself with whatever I could find. Now I'm like really happy and not food happy if that makes sense.

                                             Even Vinny keeps an eye on his weight <3

Grey's Anatomy and Uneventful days

Today was pretty uneventful. No gym today, food cravings at a minimum, they seem to be getting less and less as the days go on. I still desperately wanna eat every frozen meal instead of just one. I would love to see the weight pouring off even though I know that's not realistic thinking, this is why I usually quit because I start to look at myself and think that I either look bigger or that I haven't lost anything and I feel very discouraged. So for the next few days I'm ignoring the mirror so I don't psych myself out and I'm deff not going anywhere near the scale.

Thinking I can do this and when I'm bored and want to eat I ask myself "are you actually hungry or are you just bored?' and I'm just bored so then I don't eat or I make a healthy choice like eating a carrot or having a glass of milk. I am very tired all the time though, although I'm usually always tired because my heart rate is always pretty low so that could be it and have nothing to do with my eating or whatever.

I would love to have more to say today but that's about it lol. Tomorrow is a gym day and while my goal is again 45 minutes I'm going to try to go a bit longer even if its only a minute or two. I find if I set small goals each day its easier to reach them and then I don't get discouraged as easily. Small goals are a good thing. Today is day 8 and I'm almost positive I can make it to day 10 and then onto everyday of my life. My shirts are deff looser and my pants are sliding down so I know theres weight loss going on, even if I don't think so.

g'night all. I have Grey's Anatomy to catch up on before the new season starts. talk to you all tomorrow :)

Here's a pic of me with my pony Ollie

Unicycle Riding Bear and Food-aholics

Only 3 more days till day 10 the tipping point day, If I make it to day 10 I know I can keep going. Today I've been so tired because of the lack of sleep the past three days due to side effects from the meds which I'm now no longer taking, I know feel more like myself. I went all day without having any cravings although right now I would love to eat an entire pizza.

I lost another pound bringing the total to 7lbs now lost, I probably wont weigh myself again till Monday. Another win is that I made it 46 minutes on the treadmill today despite how tired I was it was a whole minute more than my goal which might not seem like much but for me it is a huge deal as I was so tired I literally felt like curling up on the end of the treadmill and sleeping. I miss food so much. That's not to say I'm not eating I am, I'm eating a lot just not the foods I'm used to. I'm used to gorging on candy and pizza and donuts and chips. Now I'm gorging on soup and yogurt and fruits and vegetables, I just miss the things I used to eat, I'm sure I always will. Now though when I look in the fridge I start to look for healthy things first instead of going straight for the junk.

When I started to get bigger and bigger it was a gradual thing which I think is partially why I kept eating so much for so long. I guess in my mind I thought the next morning after eating like an entire pizza and a box of donuts when I looked at myself in the mirror and thought "huh I don't look any bigger" I figured I wasn't gaining weight and when I started having to move the seat back in my car because my stomach was hitting the steering wheel making it hard for me to turn it I just said "well I probably got taller and my legs are longer that's why I have to sit farther away". Then one day I woke up and my favorite shirt didn't fit and the next week my pants wouldn't button, I went to the store and got new clothes all the while convincing myself that it was a growth spurt or that my clothes had shrunk. As I have said before I was lying to myself because I didn't want to face my addiction to food. Peoples can be addicted to alot of things and food is one of them although I don't think theres a food-aholics anonymous lol if there is I'm not aware of it. So here it is "Hi I'm Nikki and I'm a food-aholic".
I'm a sugar junkie, All I want is a bag of gummys or some chips. I kept telling myself I'm gonna start to lose weight just one more day of pizza or one more meal of donuts and candy and then tomorrow ill start losing weight but I never did and I kept getting bigger.

I'm losing weight now though and so far 8 days in and I haven't slipped yet, I keep expecting to but I haven't yet. My shirts are a little looser and sadly my boobs are a little smaller but this shows I am losing weight and I noticed there was two dips in my stomach where pockets of fat used to be. It can be done all this time I thought because I didn't see a difference by the third or fourth day that my diet wasn't working and then I would stop. Anyone starting out stick through the crappy days and seriously the better days will start soon. My body is basically detoxing from all the food drugs I put into it; my body is confused as hell, its like trying to teach a wild bear to ride a unicycle, hes never seen one before and hes never ridden one before so he gets frustrated and smacks you and tried to eat your face, that's how I feel when I make a plate of vegetable or grab a yogurt instead of a donut my body wants to rip my face off and smack someone. Rawr! If I can stick to eating healthier and exercising than anyone can because I'm the worlds biggest procrastinator and I give up easily when it comes to doing something I don't want to. So if I can do it than anyone can. Now go eat a carrot or something.

                                                       Can I stay in bed forever?

Penguins and Lampshapes

So turns out I was feeling so horrible and sick yesterday because I had been having a reaction to the appetite suppressants from the Dr I just though they were normal but they got worse each day until today I decided to call the doc and tell him whats up, he said to stop taking them right away. I figured I was feeling crappy from the diet change, I still feel a little crappy but that I think is from the diet change and not meds as all I really feel is a little hungry and tired. Thank goodness I had the sense to call the doc before I had anymore side effect, like convulsions and hallucinations and death none of those sound particularly fun.

This is day 7 and I'm doing fine. Only 3 more days till day 10 then things should get easier when it comes to cravings and food choices and it will be past the point where I usually quit. Tomorrow is a gym day where I will once again drag myself there and get on the treadmill and force myself to walk the 45 minutes on there even though the entire time all I'm thinking about is my bed and why that Asian guy keeps bringing a jug of milk with him to the gym.

Today made me feel a little brighter and more hopeful as I weighed myself and learned I had lost 5 pounds bringing me from 234lbs to 229lbs and I know its normal to lose a bunch of weight in the beginning its like an average of 1 pound a day for the first month or something but I can already see a difference in my face and a little on my stomach, a few people even commented that I looked smaller already and also my shorts are falling down so I guess I was keeping those 5 pounds on my waist.  I'm feeling good about all this and also made a trip to the store and most of the things in my cart were green lol also got a bunch of those healthy frozen meal things and some yogurts which I'm not a fan of yogurt but it had a cake name so what could it hurt? maybe it will taste like cake.
                       

Can I sleep forever please?

I can see now with the right choices and exercise that yes indeed I can lose weight. Its sticking to it that's been my issue. Its a day by day process and struggle. <3 but im starting to realize I can make it and change my body, mind and my attitude towards food.

One time I got stuck on the slide at Adventure Island

Today was hard. I don't know if its side effects from the new medication or just my body adjusting or if it was just an off day. I did manage to make it through without deviating from the healthy eating plan. Made some delicious snack choices and dinner was great. I know I'm boring you now lol I sound like my grandmother when she would tell me everything she ate and drank for breakfast and lunch haha.

This is day 6 only 4 more days till I get past my previous quitting point. I think I can do it, I'm really trying. I'm feeling very negative despite my healthy choices made today all I want to do is eat. anything and everything forever till I explode or pass out. My body is used to having far more filling foods and much more food than what I'm giving it. Its like an angry rabid possum, I have so much anger going through me and I'm not sure why its the mood swings I tell ya. Previously if I felt the way I do right now I would usually cut myself or drown myself in food or both. In the past few months I have stopped injuring myself and that's when I really hit the food hard causing the most recent bout of weight gain which made me stop and realize I was huge and had to stop.

Using self-injury or food just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I hate looking at my arms and seeing the scars from what I did, and hate seeing my body look the way it does when I know what it used to look like and how I used to feel. Depression had its hold on me for so long and occasionally I still go through severe bouts of it sometimes with thoughts of suicide. Ive learned I don't need to act on those feeling anymore, I have a support system in place now. Someday it wont even be a thought. I just wont even think about drowning my feeling in ice cream or hurting myself from self loathing or hatred of what I looked like. I'm gonna emerge a beautiful, graceful, swan OK maybe not graceful since i can barely cross a room without knocking something over or banging into a table or tripping over a dog but I will be able to squeeze through one of those tunnels at the park that the homeless people sleep in sometimes, I used to get stuck in those.

One time I got stuck on a slide at adventure island and that was a few years ago, for some reason it didn't register in my mind that the reason I got stuck was because of my size I just thought the slide was defective for some reason. For years I would barely glance at myself in the mirror, In almost all my pictures from when I started getting bigger theres a look on my face and in my eyes that I just don't recognize. Even now I can barely look at myself without cringing in disgust but I forced myself to look, at every fat roll and stretch mark on my body while holding pictures of what I used to look like only a few short years ago. I'm not saying every big woman is disgusting don't get me wrong there are curvy woman in the world who are not fat at all and aren't bigger because they aren't taking care of themselves but because those are their bodies and some of them love their curvy bodies and some of  them struggle to love themselves and wonder "what am I doing wrong?" "why aren't I a size 3?' That's just their bodies and I see them and think I could be happy looking like her, I wish I had her body. I wonder if they know theres people out there that long for their bodies who think they are beautiful. I used to be relatively thin not stick thin but not like those gorgeous curvy women somewhere in between stick and gorgeous curves. I'm like an old Volkswagen beetle junk  in the trunk in the front and nothing in the back, its just flat, its like fat roll, fat roll, love handles, then nothing just straight down, and flat like as flat as Nichole Richie's chest, Recently I ran into a friend from high school and he commented on how I looked and asked if I was OK because of all the weight I had gained I asked what he meant and he said when we were in school I used to be hot as usual I made a joke and said I was still hot just twice as big and pretended his comment didn't hurt, but it did and I turned to food...again. Ive never considered myself hot, Ive had boyfriends and was always a little standoffish around them because I expected at any minute they were gonna laugh and go "just kidding why would I want you?"
eventually I would start to believe the thoughts in my head and would do stuff I knew would end the relationship because I was afraid and embarrassed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you want to make a change just start and do it and struggle and do what you have to do to get to where you wanna be, I'm really not sure if I'm gonna be able to live a healthy life style I just know I have to if I ever want to be able to look at myself again without wanting to vomit and being able to do more than walk a few feet without getting winded or pick up a box without getting dizzy. I'm going the take some appetite suppressants(from the dr) and try to eat better and exercise more route and I'm sticking to a plan that I made with my Dr before I think about doing anything drastic like surgery. Since I'm scared of needles and most Dr's I'm hoping this time it works and I stick with it. fingers crossed, and legs and toes and anything else I can cross.

                                                              Look its a skunk! <3

If anyone reading wants to talk I'm by no means an expert but I'm willing to listen and offer any help or words of encouragement I can. feel free to email me there should be a link somewhere on this thing or comment, I'm also on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/nikki.tobin

Binge Eating and The War Raging Within

So today is day 5 of my weight loss journey and this is usually the point where things start to go south. I think because Ive gone so many days eating healthier that I deserve a reward of pizza and chips and other such icky non healthy eating people food, although no matter what I still plan to eat pizza again just not grab 4 slices and run off to my room and scarf them down like a rabid coyote. In the past it was much easier to go this route and when I would notice I had gained weight I would say "well its probably just bloating because I drank a lot of water" or "I'm probably getting my period so its water weight " none of these were true they were just things I would tell myself as I strolled into the kitchen to begin my binge eating for the night.

See my binge eating takes place when everyone's gone to bed, I used to do this for two reasons one  I didn't want anyone to see me and say something and also because I was ashamed. Ashamed of myself for what I was doing to my body, I can see now what I refused to acknowledge when I was 180lbs or what I ignored when I hit 190lbs or even when I finally tipped the scales at 230lbs and then packed on another 4 pounds in a week. If nobody could see me eating all that food then it meant I wasn't actually doing anything wrong and under the cover of darkness I couldn't see what I was stuffing my face with, I never looked at the food I was eating, I never felt full no matter how much I ate because you cant eat your feelings. Eventually it gets to you and things have to reach a point where you say well I can keep eating all this junk and lying to myself or I can change and be better at everything.

I'm not saying its always gonna be ponies and butterflies from here just because I decided it was time for a change. its gonna be hard. I'm gonna cry, laugh and get angry. I will probably yell at a few people but after a few weeks of changing what I eat and exercising and I think once I start to see the change in myself I'll have a better outlook on things right now I'm optimistic but in the back of my mind I'm still thinking I'm going to fail and go back to covering my feelings up with food.

Now that Ive gone 5 days with exercising and eating better my body is starting to revolt, the gas is killer and thank god I haven't gotten the runs. My body is confused as hell, its saying "wtf is this green shit?" and "why am I walking this much?" its trying to fight and I'm having mad sugar cravings, last night I was so hungry but instead of trying to bribe my brother into going to the gas station to get some chips and gummy bears I made a bowl of light soup, and I only made light because the other soups were some kind of spicy mess and there's enough of a war raging in my bowels right now I didn't need to start a fire. sorry I talk about poop and farts alot that's just me. For years all my body has know is sweets and pizza and all kinds of other disgusting sugar filled fattening stuff, my stomach is full but for some reason my body is like "hey man we usually eat more than this and theres like no sugar in this food"This is the beginning of hell week.

The following week will make or break my new path in life. If I can make it 5 more days I will be past the point of turning back and the wheels of change will be set in motion in my body, right now things are wonky and nobody knows what going on. My body is in a state of disbelief and confusion but I'm telling you right now with all the times Ive started and stopped diets if I can get through the next 5 days and make it to that 10 day mark and beyond then anyone can do it, for reals I'm not trying to pump sunshine up any ones ass. I'm seriously the worst dieter ever. This is like the 200th diet Ive been on. I tried weight watchers and herbalife and juicing(not steroids) actually putting fruit and veggies into a machine that smashes them into juice and drinking that, starving myself, Ive tried just eating vegetarian and while I did enjoy the veggies I cooked I freaking need meat too and well I just kinda slipped off the wagon and curled up under it with popcorn and candy.  I keep telling myself this is not a diet, this is your new way of eating and your new way of life.

I keep repeating that to myself every time I see a pizza or gummy bears or chips "This is your new way of eating and your new way of life" I then find the nearest yogurt or pack of strawberries and quietly rock myself back and forth while eating all the while longing for a milkshake and greasy cheeseburger. vegetables aren't so bad, I like carrots and cucumbers and zucchini. Ive learned that not all green things taste like dirt and that some of them actually taste good. I still avoid broccoli and cauliflower at all costs, however corn has graced my lips and celery and noodles. All things that my angry body will eventually crave and seek nourishment from. I'm trying new things, downloading recipes like mad from those healthy eating websites, not everything has to be bland and tasteless and while my aversion to chicken might pose a bit of a problem protein wise I'm sure I can find adequate solutions. I do love red meat though.

I'm proud of who I am becoming and for the first time in my life I'm starting to know what its like to love myself and not hate the person looking back at me in the mirror. I can take care of my body now and maybe in doing so start to heal my mind and get a new way of thinking. I'm still gonna be that annoying know it all but I'm gonna be a less blobby mess. I just hope I keep my boobs and that maybe some pudge will slide down to my ass and give me something to hold my jeans up. You people with naturally nice butts don't know how hard it is when I put jeans on and the ass part just sags like I dropped a load of timber off down there.

Ladies and gents reading I hope you will stick with me as I go through whats going to be the hardest week for me and continue to follow along on my journey to something better than this and hopefully take something away from these rambling posts, or am I just talking to myself here? gosh I really hope I  my boobs don't shrink that much when the weight starts to come off.
                                         

Controlling the Things Around Me Because I cant Control Myself

I'm a bit of a control freak at times but then again who isn't ? and I think it stems from the fact that I seem to lack self control when it comes to food and due to my panic disorder my brain has somehow convinced me that I'm not in charge of my own mind and body so I control everything I can. Like what my dogs eats and how much and where the ponies can stand when I'm grooming them and up until recently how much food I could eat. I would purposely stuff food into myself far beyond what I should have because of the lack of self control and because in my mind it was a coping mechanism and a way to try and control some part of my body and gain some control over my mind.  With my panic disorder its more like it controls me and I'm so afraid of having a panic attack that I'm just afraid all the time my therapist calls it fear of the fear which i guess to some extent makes sense but also baffles the hell out of me. There are times when I feel fine but theres always that little tickle of fear whispering in the back of my mind letting me know its there and can bring itself to the foreground at any time, I try often to tell it to fuck off and while it works sometimes for the most part I just stand aside and let it control me.

I didn't used to be the quivering blob in the corner. Oh no believe it or not I used to be a real bad ass or at least in my mind I was. Doing stuff like  coming home when I wanted, driving around town, smoking, drinking you know just regular rebellious teenager stuff. I used to ride horses though which I think kept me from doing a lot of stupid things my friends were doing and kept me out of a lot of trouble. As you can see Ive always had a control problem even before the panic disorder  moved in.

I'm trying to be better at not trying to control every situation and letting things go, I still need to be right all the time and take every chance I get to let my aunt or my mother know that "I was right and they were wrong". I don't think I will ever lose that. I might try and tone it down as I get older or just chant it in my head instead of letting it be known to all that I was right and everyone else was wrong. I'll admit I am wrong sometimes. The truth is I'm an imperfect person and I make mistakes, just don't tell anyone I said that.

Losing control is a nasty habit. I lose control of my mind and body, I lose control of my ability to curb myself when it comes to food. For the past 4 days all I've wanted to do is tear into the kitchen like a rabid wolf and eat everything in site and when I'm done with that possibly even eat the kitchen cabinets that's how hungry I feel ( see photo)

But I'm controlling myself also the appetite suppressant from the Dr seems to be helping too but I like to think that its more me(because I have to be right). I have started to control myself around food or I'm hoping I am, every other time Ive tried to lose weight I stick with it for about two weeks and then lose it completely, eat everything I can in excess and gain twice as much weight back. The gym helps because after walking for 45 minutes I'm too tired to even try to eat more than some cheese and a yogurt or an egg or something. And only in the last 3-4 days have I been doing more than walking 10 minutes and then stopping and sitting at the end of the treadmill playing on my phone. Before I thought "hey at least I'm at the gym" and for me that was my rationalization for eating much more than I should have like hey you walked for 10 minutes why don't you treat yourself to a nice big bag of chips and while you're at it grab some of those donuts as well and now look at me I'm too big to even ride one of those merry go round ponies at the fair.

Reminding myself that doing this whole working out and eating better thing is good for me is tough, its a struggle that I hope I can overcome. In the meantime I'm still controlling everything else until I find the inner strength to kick my panic disorders ass. Tomorrow is another gym day(I'm super thrilled) I successfully walked 45 minutes today and the goal is to do the same tomorrow but I wont hate myself if I cant make it, ill just try again the next day. Its an uphill battle for me and will be for awhile I think I'm tough enough to survive it though and come out the other end looking and feeling better than ever before.

                                                 Yay! gym tomorrow.......

Gym days, Tattoos and Food coma's

For the past three days I've been going to the gym and "working out" basically I'm just fast walking on a treadmill for 45 minutes which for me is hard as the thought of even getting off the couch which also happens to be my bed makes me tired. So far I'm not dead at least I don't think I am, and while I don't have an ultimate goal to get to like a specific weight I want to be or what size clothes I would like to fit into the basic plan is to work out, eat less and also eat things that I've never even looked at twice. Ya know that healthy stuff and go back to the Dr next month to see how things are going.

I used to try and make myself believe that I liked the way I looked or that I was happy being fat. This was when I was about 35-40 pounds lighter too and I just kept eating and saying I was OK with it,and that I was happy when in all reality I hated myself.I was depressed a lot of the time and I took to self injury something I had done on and off since I was about 14 as an escape and also I think so people would look at the cuts and scars and not at how large I had become for the most-part I'm a pretty happy upbeat person, I can make a joke about anything and that's what I was to myself a joke, and I was hiding behind my ability to laugh it off, and now that we are being completely honest I can admit that I wasn't happy, it was just a front and a way for me to rebel against what others were saying. Now when  I cant even walk more than 15 minutes without getting winded and the fact that I have to buy clothes that have no shape and when I look in the mirror and go "ugh gross who is that person?" is when I decided I wanted to change, also the fact that I would love to add more tattoos to my body and I surely don't want the poor tattoo artist to have to lift my fat rolls in order to tattoo me. I want to look at myself and like what I see and not hide it under a baggy shirt or shapeless pants, I will still be me just a healthier me and a me that can actually fit through small spaces, I mean what if I'm ever in a Turkish prison and have to grease my body up and escape through the sewers? I know not likely but it would be nice to be able to fit down the pipe if such a thing were to ever happen. I would like to see my feet again, its been awhile and I miss them. 
  
In the past whenever things got tough or I was bored or bummed out I would turn to food or cutting. Now after not cutting for quite some time, I was still turning to food for comfort and eating till I fell into little food comas and while on this new journey I can still turn to food for comfort just not bags of chips or donuts, I can quietly cry while stuffing apple slices into my mouth or strawberries, I'm slowly starting to realize that things don't have to be like this and if I stick to the plan and don't deviate things will be alright and I will still be awesome just not a giant blimp of a person. 

The Beginning of The Future

This is the beginning of my journey through weight loss and my rather eccentric life. I sit here now at 234 lbs deciding only a few days ago to make a change in my life, my goal isn't to be a stick figure size 2 just to be able to walk more than 20ft without getting winded also being able to wear clothes that aren't the size of a small parachute would be nice.
  
 I struggle daily to deal with everyday things that most people don't even think about, I tend to over think  things a bit too much which causes a lot of problems, the purpose of this blog is for me to be completely honest with myself as I never have been before  and give others a look into my crazy life. We can laugh together and cry together and fart together, OK that last one maybe not everyone will join in on but it was worth a shot. 

I have CPVT, PTSD, Depression, Panic Disorder and a myriad of other issues which I'm sure I will talk about in one of my many future rambling posts. Feel free to jump on this crazy train, get a bag of chip or popcorn and enjoy the show, the ups and downs and loop de loos that my life is. I hope at least someones day or night will be brightened by reading my posts. G'night for now will post again tomorrow.