I'm Not Coming to Your Wedding Unless There's Cake

My weight loss check in post I suppose, Since I fell off the wagon gained back what I had previously lost and then some I've now begun again in the last month. So far 13 pounds down, I exercise daily and my stamina is building. I'm tired all the time but I know with more time it will get easier.

Back to eating better hoping to stay on the wagon this time but will forgive myself if I happen to fall off again, no goals set in place and that's how I like it. Taking it day by day seems to work. I did get a dress one size smaller that I usually wear and it fits but not quite a few more weeks and I'll be there….. I think.

So far, though the urge has been strong there has been no self harm either, though I have come very,very close I've resisted and am proud of myself for it.

Other than that everything is seeming to be holding strong. Anxiety is still a big issue but that is also being taken day by day.

Now I think since I've put up including this post three tonight its time for me to get to bed. Hang in there to anyone struggling, it may not always get better but sometimes it gets less crappy than it is now.

I am Me, You are You. Wanna Ride on My Handlebars?

I Recently made the decision to shave my head and its amazing the release I've felt since then, I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Lots of people don't like it but more people have really loved it and Recently I've started using the hash tag #beunique when i post a pic of myself, I see lots of pics attached to it already but I decided to do something fun with it hopefully it will catch on. 

 So here goes. Post a photo of the real you, Something you wouldn't normally post but you're posting it because you wanna say Fuck you to the world and let your freak flag fly and stop hiding who you are because of what others might think. Be open, Be honest, Be the bad ass that you know is inside no matter how small it might be. It can be anything, a picture you might have been ashamed to post or maybe you want to tell your story or just get something off your chest or even just say one thing nobody knows about you, there are no rules really and then tag me on instagram @pacemaker_girl89 using the hash tag #beunique twice a month I'll choose a photo and give a shout out and a unique prize related to your photo and you. 

Now get out there you crazy kids and be unique, stand out, Make the world look at you and go WOW! and don't even care what kinda wow it is. 

and here's a cute pic of my horsey she's unique in so many ways 

Angst Ridden 90's Child

Oh kids today will never know the horrible sound, similar to the sound a cat makes when you try to give it a bath of dial up Internet, of your parent yelling at you to get off the computer so they can make a phone call. They will never know the feeling of having to wear a belt in order to keep your pants up if you were lucky enough to even have a cell phone because it was so heavy it dragged those suckers down or it was too big to fit in your pocket so you had to wear a lame ass belt clip/pouch lol. The annoyance of having to go to the library to find information because the Internet didn't have all the answers at that time.

So growing up in the 90s meant I dealt with all those things, realizing how much the world has changed in such a short amount of time I'm only 24 almost 25 and to think if I ever have kids they may never know the scent of a book or feel the worn pages.everything they want to know is at their fingertips, Its a shame really. I remember when I was in middle school I had this sweatshirt that said Angry,Young and Poor. I wore that thing till it was in rags and then patched it up till it barely resembled its original form. Its saying fit me so well at the time. I was angry, I was young (still am) and I was poor. As I got older Ive learned that I'm still young and always will be because theres always something new to learn, I'm no longer as angry as I was Ive learned or rather forced myself to stay as neutral as possible as they say in frozen conceal, don't feel. And as for the poor thing, money wise I am poor but in friends and things that make me happy I am rich, richer than the richest man in the world. 

I once saw a movie with Robin Williams where he said, "you cant have everything, or is it you can have everything because it seems like some people do have everything" I may not have gotten that completely correct but you get the gist of it. 

I guess what this once again rambling post is trying to say is be happy with what you have, make the best of it and in the process if you can make someone else happy too. 

I miss the 90s where the hardest thing I had to do was my math homework ha ha 

I Just Want To Be Free

To be trapped inside your own mind is one of the worst things in the world and also one of the most difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.

 Picture this…. You see your car and start to walk towards it but suddenly you stop dead in your tracks, a cold tingling sensation pulses from your face all down your body, you cant breathe, your vision fades in and out, you feel a fear that there are no words for  and feel as if you are going to die and no matter how hard you try to move towards your car you can't each step you try to take only fills you with more fear and pain until you feel like you are going to die or you wish you would die so the pain and fear can end.

 That's how it is daily for people with anxiety, panic disorders, PTSD,agoraphobia and probably a lot of other illnesses. To wake up each day wishing it was just a normal day only to be filled with fear,anxiety,pain from the moment you wake up until the moment you lay your head down. Its torture, nobody asks to live like this, its not "all in our heads".  We are trapped inside ourselves, some days are better than others but most days are pure torture.

To live knowing nobody understands these feeling except others who have gone through the same things is frustrating as hell, nobody asks to live like this.