If Life Were a Video Game Things Would be so Much Easier

If life was like a video it would be so much easier at least to me. If something went wrong you can just go back to your last save point or you can just wander around, choose a storyline, live forever, hit the pause button when you need a break  the possibilities are endless when you think about. I could start at the point before I got fat or before i developed my panic disorder, or avoided people and situations that I know I should have but didn't and ended up paying for it in the long run. There are specific goals and achievements all listed in games so theres no need to make your own.

I was just playing a game and I had reached all the goals for that level but hadn't finished the level yet so I was just aimlessly flying around and said I don't know what to do without the goals and then thought about my life and how I don't really have any goals, I mean I have things I think about and how life would be once I reached that point in my life but none of them are really goals I'm driving hard towards, in a way having goals kinda scares me because if I set goals but don't reach them I can't really blame anyone but me. In a video game when you reach all the goals and beat all the levels and the credits roll that's it but in life theres no set list of what you're supposed to do that's up to you, I've made a series of bad choices that led me to where I am now, sadly life is not a video game not that I'm good at games because I suck as much at those as I do at life.

So I guess if I were to make goals they would be to overcome my panic disorder, lose weight and….. Well I'm not really sure that's where the list kinda ends, go to college? nah, I'm not really wanting anything academically, so I'm not sure where to go from there. Punch the asshole who keeps driving their stupid four wheeler up and down my road? nope, besides I need goals that don't include jail time although if I accomplish the weight loss goal I might also be able to escape prison with my small body and a little butter.  Get more cat shits? haha you can never have enough of those. This is hard, I guess ill just start with the first two and see what happens from there. Level 1: lose weight, overcome panic disorder,  get more cat shirts,yup sounds like a good start i'll let you know when I reach the next level.

   

When the credits roll at the end I hope I've achieved more than just lose weight and overcome my panic disorder, and getting more cat shirts. I don't know what else I want to accomplish but knowing me it will be awesome but somewhat stupid or weird or something only I understand. In the meantime I'm gonna just play this level of life and see what happens next. 

I Wish You Could Turn The Volume Down on the Rain

Something I felt I should get out and share is the last time I tried to commit suicide, I say last time because I'm really hoping it was the last time. I had tried previous times before but I guess you could say I lacked the conviction I did with this last time. I had been invited to a party/gathering and I think I had kinda planned to kill myself before the invite and when I got it I hoped it would be some sort of reprieve or stop that suicide train from leaving the station or maybe that somebody would notice something was wrong and that every fiber of my being was screaming for someone, anyone to notice and help me. Nobody did. so I hung out laughed had a few beers and had a good time for awhile, the friends I looked forward to showing up and the ones who had invited me and promised a ride home never showed up, There were only a handful of people I know there and that I enjoyed hanging out with.
At some point during the party the switch in my head flipped and told me to just kill myself. I went to my bag and took half a bottle of my heart medication and half a bottle of xanax and then drank like a crazy person. I remember bits and pieces after that, getting glass in my foot and some chick taking the glass out for me, people climbing on the roof and at some point the people I knew heading home. I didn't really care at that point but started to feel uncomfortable dying at someone I didn't knows house so around 3am I called a family member to come pick me up, I went home and went to my room hoping I would die in my sleep.

When I woke up the next morning it took me a minute to realize that I hadn't died and that I was still alive, I was distraught. I had an appt with my shrink that morning so I went to that. He immediately could tell something was wrong and asked me what was up, I burst into tears I told him what I had done and he asked if I planned to try again, I said yes because I had planned on trying again. So began the baker act, I was brought to the harbor who then decided I had to be transferred to another facility in lutz. I spent two weeks there being pumped full of so many anti depressants after awhile of trying to get the doctors to understand what I was feeling and what was going on in my head and they ignored me I said I wanted to go home. The day I left I told them I wanted to go home and kill myself. I didn't kill myself obviously but I did go home and cut myself which made me feel better for awhile.

I stopped taking the meds they had prescribed after feeling no different and after a month or two I started to feel more normal once the drugs got out of my system, I have a support system now and people to talk to and places to go if I ever feel like that again. I'm not saying I never have a suicidal thought just that I don't think ill ever try to do myself in again, that was one of the lowest points in my life, there was no trigger, nothing that pushed me to the edge. I was just tired of living and wanted everything to stop.

Its been quite some time since I've cut myself or even thought about killing myself and now that I'm anti depressant free I feel so much less groggy and more like myself, I still struggle with bouts of depression but nowadays who doesn't?

Life is a struggle, for some people its harder than others. Things do have their less shitty moments I suppose.

Again I may not have the best advice but I can listen so if anyone feels they struggle and need someone to talk to they can feel free to message me, email, text, for the most part I'm awake and if I see a text or message will answer right away email: nt68863@yahoo.com Text: 352-428-5469 and Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nikki.tobin also if you're thinking about suicide call a hot line or go to a hospital, I was stupid when I tried and should have told someone how I felt but sadly didn't and ended up in the loony bin which though it had its fun moments really wasn't all that great.