What would Dean Winchester do?

I missed writing, because of the lousy Internet in my area I haven't been able to get a good enough signal to even post something so here goes I guess. I don't exactly live in the boonies but apparently to the Internet company I do so its whatever I guess. At this moment in time the Internet appears to be holding strong and I've got my fingers,toes and eyes crossed it stays that way.

 I'm starting to fall into that slow descent into depression again. Nothing has changed in my life, yet I feel  like I'm slipping away. I'm trying to hard to keep myself upbeat and happy like I have been the last few weeks. My weight loss is going well, I'm still exercising but my mind is scattered and broken and I'm feeling a little lost and scared and confused. I can't seem to have a straight thought. I want to cut myself or eat till I feel something even if its pain. I know I won't but that doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. I feel like I'm a robot that's barely functioning and I'm not sure how to fix myself or get out of this funk. If I were Dean Winchester I would probably just kick some demon ass or something and I would feel a lot better but sadly I'm not so I'm gonna have to figure this one out on my own I suppose.

I'm trying to keep positive but maybe I'm just having an off week or two who knows. For now I'm just gonna let these feeling play out and see what happens, I did clean and re-arrange my entire room tonight also redid some of the snakes and gecko cage set ups so they have new things to explore and such, Those things make me happy. To see my animals exploring and happy, they are the bright spot to my cloudy days.

Well Ive kinda run out of things to say, which is strange for me. So until my next post…..and keep the emails and comments coming I really do enjoy talking to each and everyone who has messaged me.

I really kinda like how this pic came out it sort of reflects the mood I'm in, kinda dark yet happy if that makes sense.  Since theres so demons or evil spirits to blast away with salt I'm just going to continue to watch Dean Winchester do that for me on my iPad :) g'night all.

Big, Small and Anything in Between

So I went clothes shopping today, just to get a few things for the cooler weather coming and a new pair of pants. While shopping with my aunt I held up a dress and asked her what do you think, she said "its nice but Its not the type of dress people with lumps can wear" the dress was a relatively clingy dress but if purchased in my size would not have been overly tight. Her statement really upset me, I know quite a few bigger woman who are a larger size naturally and they love who they are and are proud of who they are, I'm losing weight because I felt I needed too, I'm not rushing it and I'm letting the weight come of naturally. I was depressed and hated the way I looked before, and I'm still not a fan of how I look now but now that Ive started eating better and exercising I feel better and my mood has improved tremendously.

My aunt used to be my size roughly 200lbs and has lost about 70lbs, and I applaud her and her
weightloss efforts. She looks good now but I kinda feel like she doesn't have an open mind or she thinks because she used to be fat and thought she looked gross she thinks all big woman are gross, I'm don't know but her comment really struck a nerve with me today. I follow a lovely woman named Andrea on instagram and she is an inspiration to me to love my body no matter what it looks like. shes big and proud and love to show off the body god gave her. She also makes some kick ass jewelry.

I wish I could dress with her confidence, although most of the things I bought today were a size smaller than what I usually buy and most of them are not baggy and don't hide my body like a lot of my other clothes. I guess what I'm saying and I think I touched on this on another of my posts but if your body is bigger and its not big because your eating entire pizzas and bags of donuts then love it and show it off, don't hide it. Big is beautiful, small is beautiful anything in between is beautiful.