Image Issues and Future Financial Burdens

Almost went two days before posting I'm falling behind lol. I'm feeling kinda down because I seem to have stopped losing weight daily 13 pounds and now its stopped this is where it gets heard because I don't see a daily difference and get discouraged if I weigh myself every day so I have to stop that hehe.
I'm sure I'm losing weight as I'm still eating all the same foods as when I started on this healthy life path. I did eat an entire publix sub today instead of half but that was my only transgression.

It is a bit easier to walk on the treadmill and just in general. I'm starting to get more stamina, and my clothes are definitely looser that's for sure, my pants don't stay up but that could be due to me not having an ass at all. I do seem to have had a bit of anxiety and I'm not exactly sure what its from, sadly I'm a little afraid to lose weight. I feel like once I'm not a fat person that people want to look away from that too much attention will be drawn to me, I'm not being conceited but I'll tell ya I'm kind of a looker ;) Also I dread having to shop and get all new clothes. I don't have that kind of money, half the clothes I own I either found or got for like two dollars each at hot topic and Ive had the same pair of pants for like a few years at least, right now my wardrobe consists of basketball shorts and t-shirts.

Ugh see the problems I'm faced with in the challenge of losing weight not to mention the financial burden its going to cause. I'm sure ill get over it and of course I'm sure I can convince a few family members to get me some new things once I'm down a few sizes cough,cough hehe. Sometimes I think well I could just have a bit of chips or candy but I know the way my mind works ill make it back into a habit and end up bigger than before. I'm gonna stick with it and see how it goes its only been two weeks we will see how things look after a month.

Im so hungry I could eat a....

So clearly I cant post everyday as life just seems to happen lol but I will try my hardest to at lest get a post up every other day. I got an interesting email today asking about why I decided all of a sudden to lose weight and was it a long thought out decision or was it just spur of the moment? To be honest its a little of both. For quite some time I knew I was getting bigger and that I needed to lose weight but I also didn't want to because for me to decide I needed to lose weight also meant I would have to face that I had a problem and only until recently did I really start to focus and see I was getting out of breath getting up out of bed and walking more than a few feet, I was getting dizzy if I got up to fast, being hot all the time. I decided a long time ago to lose weight I just never actually did anything until now.

I'm addicted to food. Not eating what I used to is making me sick and shaky and craving sugar like crazy, but now that I'm on day 12 its not as bad, if I see it in the store or something all I want to do is grab it and eat it but I know that doing that would make life the way it was with me all out of breath panting like a bulldog in a hot car whenever I got up or not being able to walk very far or getting dizzy again. I feel better eating how I'm eating and I feel more like I think I should and what I know I would've felt like all the time had I not eaten myself to blimp size.

I'm loving fruits and vegetables and yogurt and all sorts of new things now. Things I turned my nose up at and said eww before, Vegetables can taste good :) who knew right? I  lost another 2 pounds bringing the total to 13 pounds lost I think. Don't go by my math though its horrible. weigh 221 right now so whatever that is lol. I love getting emails from people having the same issues I am or did and knowing that I'm helping them in some way or even making them smile a bit, every little thing helps.

Be the real you. Don't hide behind food or something like self injury, if you think you're fat go to a Dr get their opinion don't be afraid to talk to someone, or if you think you're too skinny talk to your Dr or a therapist or even a friend don't feel alone or like theres something wrong with you. Every ones got awesome in them some people just need some help to get it out there to show the world.

Actual Happy not Food Happy

I missed posting yesterday, Ive been so tired lately. Yesterday was a gym day but I was only able to go 30 minutes on the treadmill for some reason I was getting dizzy and Vinny my service dog kept alerting me so I stopped, today I felt much better and went 46 minutes and still felt like I could go more with the exception of my knee hurting which I'm sure it hurts from carrying my fat butt around. It really is getting easier to walk on the treadmill and make better choices although I slipped yesterday and had two frozen dinner things instead of one but at least they both had vegetables in them.

I'm really surprised that I'm getting responses from people who are or have gone through the same thing I am. Now that I'm not taking the appetite suppressants its all on me now to make the right choices when I had to pills I wasn't hungry and had more energy mostly because those things are pretty much speed which with my heart condition wasn't a good mix, although I did feel as if I could run a marathon or it was more like that scene in Corky Romano where the guy is all high on cocaine and cant stop talking and yelling. I'm just me now and its all my choices now that will either make me or break me, this is day 10 the tipping point and Ive made it so far! I'm actually doing it, Ive lost a total of 9 pounds which isn't much when I weighed 234 but its slowly looking better. I can do this, I think....

Downloading healthier recipes and cooking healthier foods and eating the frozen meal things are super good although they are kinda small to me but then again I'm not used to eating regular portions so it could be normal sized for people who don't eat entire pizzas and sadly I have eaten things I found under my couch, I'm not saying they were just loose under there just that I wasn't sure how old they were but I ate them anyways. I'm not proud of it but I still did it and it was gross. I'm also starting to not feel as anxious all the time with the exercise I'm too tired to be scared I think, I mean I still get scared and I by no means over my panic disorder I'm just feeling better and don't feel so foggy anymore either.

I guess all these years of thinking I felt fine and that I was happy weren't true, I'm happy but I feel somehow different like I was happy before but only after I had filled myself with whatever I could find. Now I'm like really happy and not food happy if that makes sense.

                                             Even Vinny keeps an eye on his weight <3

Grey's Anatomy and Uneventful days

Today was pretty uneventful. No gym today, food cravings at a minimum, they seem to be getting less and less as the days go on. I still desperately wanna eat every frozen meal instead of just one. I would love to see the weight pouring off even though I know that's not realistic thinking, this is why I usually quit because I start to look at myself and think that I either look bigger or that I haven't lost anything and I feel very discouraged. So for the next few days I'm ignoring the mirror so I don't psych myself out and I'm deff not going anywhere near the scale.

Thinking I can do this and when I'm bored and want to eat I ask myself "are you actually hungry or are you just bored?' and I'm just bored so then I don't eat or I make a healthy choice like eating a carrot or having a glass of milk. I am very tired all the time though, although I'm usually always tired because my heart rate is always pretty low so that could be it and have nothing to do with my eating or whatever.

I would love to have more to say today but that's about it lol. Tomorrow is a gym day and while my goal is again 45 minutes I'm going to try to go a bit longer even if its only a minute or two. I find if I set small goals each day its easier to reach them and then I don't get discouraged as easily. Small goals are a good thing. Today is day 8 and I'm almost positive I can make it to day 10 and then onto everyday of my life. My shirts are deff looser and my pants are sliding down so I know theres weight loss going on, even if I don't think so.

g'night all. I have Grey's Anatomy to catch up on before the new season starts. talk to you all tomorrow :)

Here's a pic of me with my pony Ollie

Unicycle Riding Bear and Food-aholics

Only 3 more days till day 10 the tipping point day, If I make it to day 10 I know I can keep going. Today I've been so tired because of the lack of sleep the past three days due to side effects from the meds which I'm now no longer taking, I know feel more like myself. I went all day without having any cravings although right now I would love to eat an entire pizza.

I lost another pound bringing the total to 7lbs now lost, I probably wont weigh myself again till Monday. Another win is that I made it 46 minutes on the treadmill today despite how tired I was it was a whole minute more than my goal which might not seem like much but for me it is a huge deal as I was so tired I literally felt like curling up on the end of the treadmill and sleeping. I miss food so much. That's not to say I'm not eating I am, I'm eating a lot just not the foods I'm used to. I'm used to gorging on candy and pizza and donuts and chips. Now I'm gorging on soup and yogurt and fruits and vegetables, I just miss the things I used to eat, I'm sure I always will. Now though when I look in the fridge I start to look for healthy things first instead of going straight for the junk.

When I started to get bigger and bigger it was a gradual thing which I think is partially why I kept eating so much for so long. I guess in my mind I thought the next morning after eating like an entire pizza and a box of donuts when I looked at myself in the mirror and thought "huh I don't look any bigger" I figured I wasn't gaining weight and when I started having to move the seat back in my car because my stomach was hitting the steering wheel making it hard for me to turn it I just said "well I probably got taller and my legs are longer that's why I have to sit farther away". Then one day I woke up and my favorite shirt didn't fit and the next week my pants wouldn't button, I went to the store and got new clothes all the while convincing myself that it was a growth spurt or that my clothes had shrunk. As I have said before I was lying to myself because I didn't want to face my addiction to food. Peoples can be addicted to alot of things and food is one of them although I don't think theres a food-aholics anonymous lol if there is I'm not aware of it. So here it is "Hi I'm Nikki and I'm a food-aholic".
I'm a sugar junkie, All I want is a bag of gummys or some chips. I kept telling myself I'm gonna start to lose weight just one more day of pizza or one more meal of donuts and candy and then tomorrow ill start losing weight but I never did and I kept getting bigger.

I'm losing weight now though and so far 8 days in and I haven't slipped yet, I keep expecting to but I haven't yet. My shirts are a little looser and sadly my boobs are a little smaller but this shows I am losing weight and I noticed there was two dips in my stomach where pockets of fat used to be. It can be done all this time I thought because I didn't see a difference by the third or fourth day that my diet wasn't working and then I would stop. Anyone starting out stick through the crappy days and seriously the better days will start soon. My body is basically detoxing from all the food drugs I put into it; my body is confused as hell, its like trying to teach a wild bear to ride a unicycle, hes never seen one before and hes never ridden one before so he gets frustrated and smacks you and tried to eat your face, that's how I feel when I make a plate of vegetable or grab a yogurt instead of a donut my body wants to rip my face off and smack someone. Rawr! If I can stick to eating healthier and exercising than anyone can because I'm the worlds biggest procrastinator and I give up easily when it comes to doing something I don't want to. So if I can do it than anyone can. Now go eat a carrot or something.

                                                       Can I stay in bed forever?

Penguins and Lampshapes

So turns out I was feeling so horrible and sick yesterday because I had been having a reaction to the appetite suppressants from the Dr I just though they were normal but they got worse each day until today I decided to call the doc and tell him whats up, he said to stop taking them right away. I figured I was feeling crappy from the diet change, I still feel a little crappy but that I think is from the diet change and not meds as all I really feel is a little hungry and tired. Thank goodness I had the sense to call the doc before I had anymore side effect, like convulsions and hallucinations and death none of those sound particularly fun.

This is day 7 and I'm doing fine. Only 3 more days till day 10 then things should get easier when it comes to cravings and food choices and it will be past the point where I usually quit. Tomorrow is a gym day where I will once again drag myself there and get on the treadmill and force myself to walk the 45 minutes on there even though the entire time all I'm thinking about is my bed and why that Asian guy keeps bringing a jug of milk with him to the gym.

Today made me feel a little brighter and more hopeful as I weighed myself and learned I had lost 5 pounds bringing me from 234lbs to 229lbs and I know its normal to lose a bunch of weight in the beginning its like an average of 1 pound a day for the first month or something but I can already see a difference in my face and a little on my stomach, a few people even commented that I looked smaller already and also my shorts are falling down so I guess I was keeping those 5 pounds on my waist.  I'm feeling good about all this and also made a trip to the store and most of the things in my cart were green lol also got a bunch of those healthy frozen meal things and some yogurts which I'm not a fan of yogurt but it had a cake name so what could it hurt? maybe it will taste like cake.
                       

Can I sleep forever please?

I can see now with the right choices and exercise that yes indeed I can lose weight. Its sticking to it that's been my issue. Its a day by day process and struggle. <3 but im starting to realize I can make it and change my body, mind and my attitude towards food.

One time I got stuck on the slide at Adventure Island

Today was hard. I don't know if its side effects from the new medication or just my body adjusting or if it was just an off day. I did manage to make it through without deviating from the healthy eating plan. Made some delicious snack choices and dinner was great. I know I'm boring you now lol I sound like my grandmother when she would tell me everything she ate and drank for breakfast and lunch haha.

This is day 6 only 4 more days till I get past my previous quitting point. I think I can do it, I'm really trying. I'm feeling very negative despite my healthy choices made today all I want to do is eat. anything and everything forever till I explode or pass out. My body is used to having far more filling foods and much more food than what I'm giving it. Its like an angry rabid possum, I have so much anger going through me and I'm not sure why its the mood swings I tell ya. Previously if I felt the way I do right now I would usually cut myself or drown myself in food or both. In the past few months I have stopped injuring myself and that's when I really hit the food hard causing the most recent bout of weight gain which made me stop and realize I was huge and had to stop.

Using self-injury or food just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I hate looking at my arms and seeing the scars from what I did, and hate seeing my body look the way it does when I know what it used to look like and how I used to feel. Depression had its hold on me for so long and occasionally I still go through severe bouts of it sometimes with thoughts of suicide. Ive learned I don't need to act on those feeling anymore, I have a support system in place now. Someday it wont even be a thought. I just wont even think about drowning my feeling in ice cream or hurting myself from self loathing or hatred of what I looked like. I'm gonna emerge a beautiful, graceful, swan OK maybe not graceful since i can barely cross a room without knocking something over or banging into a table or tripping over a dog but I will be able to squeeze through one of those tunnels at the park that the homeless people sleep in sometimes, I used to get stuck in those.

One time I got stuck on a slide at adventure island and that was a few years ago, for some reason it didn't register in my mind that the reason I got stuck was because of my size I just thought the slide was defective for some reason. For years I would barely glance at myself in the mirror, In almost all my pictures from when I started getting bigger theres a look on my face and in my eyes that I just don't recognize. Even now I can barely look at myself without cringing in disgust but I forced myself to look, at every fat roll and stretch mark on my body while holding pictures of what I used to look like only a few short years ago. I'm not saying every big woman is disgusting don't get me wrong there are curvy woman in the world who are not fat at all and aren't bigger because they aren't taking care of themselves but because those are their bodies and some of them love their curvy bodies and some of  them struggle to love themselves and wonder "what am I doing wrong?" "why aren't I a size 3?' That's just their bodies and I see them and think I could be happy looking like her, I wish I had her body. I wonder if they know theres people out there that long for their bodies who think they are beautiful. I used to be relatively thin not stick thin but not like those gorgeous curvy women somewhere in between stick and gorgeous curves. I'm like an old Volkswagen beetle junk  in the trunk in the front and nothing in the back, its just flat, its like fat roll, fat roll, love handles, then nothing just straight down, and flat like as flat as Nichole Richie's chest, Recently I ran into a friend from high school and he commented on how I looked and asked if I was OK because of all the weight I had gained I asked what he meant and he said when we were in school I used to be hot as usual I made a joke and said I was still hot just twice as big and pretended his comment didn't hurt, but it did and I turned to food...again. Ive never considered myself hot, Ive had boyfriends and was always a little standoffish around them because I expected at any minute they were gonna laugh and go "just kidding why would I want you?"
eventually I would start to believe the thoughts in my head and would do stuff I knew would end the relationship because I was afraid and embarrassed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you want to make a change just start and do it and struggle and do what you have to do to get to where you wanna be, I'm really not sure if I'm gonna be able to live a healthy life style I just know I have to if I ever want to be able to look at myself again without wanting to vomit and being able to do more than walk a few feet without getting winded or pick up a box without getting dizzy. I'm going the take some appetite suppressants(from the dr) and try to eat better and exercise more route and I'm sticking to a plan that I made with my Dr before I think about doing anything drastic like surgery. Since I'm scared of needles and most Dr's I'm hoping this time it works and I stick with it. fingers crossed, and legs and toes and anything else I can cross.

                                                              Look its a skunk! <3

If anyone reading wants to talk I'm by no means an expert but I'm willing to listen and offer any help or words of encouragement I can. feel free to email me there should be a link somewhere on this thing or comment, I'm also on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/nikki.tobin

Binge Eating and The War Raging Within

So today is day 5 of my weight loss journey and this is usually the point where things start to go south. I think because Ive gone so many days eating healthier that I deserve a reward of pizza and chips and other such icky non healthy eating people food, although no matter what I still plan to eat pizza again just not grab 4 slices and run off to my room and scarf them down like a rabid coyote. In the past it was much easier to go this route and when I would notice I had gained weight I would say "well its probably just bloating because I drank a lot of water" or "I'm probably getting my period so its water weight " none of these were true they were just things I would tell myself as I strolled into the kitchen to begin my binge eating for the night.

See my binge eating takes place when everyone's gone to bed, I used to do this for two reasons one  I didn't want anyone to see me and say something and also because I was ashamed. Ashamed of myself for what I was doing to my body, I can see now what I refused to acknowledge when I was 180lbs or what I ignored when I hit 190lbs or even when I finally tipped the scales at 230lbs and then packed on another 4 pounds in a week. If nobody could see me eating all that food then it meant I wasn't actually doing anything wrong and under the cover of darkness I couldn't see what I was stuffing my face with, I never looked at the food I was eating, I never felt full no matter how much I ate because you cant eat your feelings. Eventually it gets to you and things have to reach a point where you say well I can keep eating all this junk and lying to myself or I can change and be better at everything.

I'm not saying its always gonna be ponies and butterflies from here just because I decided it was time for a change. its gonna be hard. I'm gonna cry, laugh and get angry. I will probably yell at a few people but after a few weeks of changing what I eat and exercising and I think once I start to see the change in myself I'll have a better outlook on things right now I'm optimistic but in the back of my mind I'm still thinking I'm going to fail and go back to covering my feelings up with food.

Now that Ive gone 5 days with exercising and eating better my body is starting to revolt, the gas is killer and thank god I haven't gotten the runs. My body is confused as hell, its saying "wtf is this green shit?" and "why am I walking this much?" its trying to fight and I'm having mad sugar cravings, last night I was so hungry but instead of trying to bribe my brother into going to the gas station to get some chips and gummy bears I made a bowl of light soup, and I only made light because the other soups were some kind of spicy mess and there's enough of a war raging in my bowels right now I didn't need to start a fire. sorry I talk about poop and farts alot that's just me. For years all my body has know is sweets and pizza and all kinds of other disgusting sugar filled fattening stuff, my stomach is full but for some reason my body is like "hey man we usually eat more than this and theres like no sugar in this food"This is the beginning of hell week.

The following week will make or break my new path in life. If I can make it 5 more days I will be past the point of turning back and the wheels of change will be set in motion in my body, right now things are wonky and nobody knows what going on. My body is in a state of disbelief and confusion but I'm telling you right now with all the times Ive started and stopped diets if I can get through the next 5 days and make it to that 10 day mark and beyond then anyone can do it, for reals I'm not trying to pump sunshine up any ones ass. I'm seriously the worst dieter ever. This is like the 200th diet Ive been on. I tried weight watchers and herbalife and juicing(not steroids) actually putting fruit and veggies into a machine that smashes them into juice and drinking that, starving myself, Ive tried just eating vegetarian and while I did enjoy the veggies I cooked I freaking need meat too and well I just kinda slipped off the wagon and curled up under it with popcorn and candy.  I keep telling myself this is not a diet, this is your new way of eating and your new way of life.

I keep repeating that to myself every time I see a pizza or gummy bears or chips "This is your new way of eating and your new way of life" I then find the nearest yogurt or pack of strawberries and quietly rock myself back and forth while eating all the while longing for a milkshake and greasy cheeseburger. vegetables aren't so bad, I like carrots and cucumbers and zucchini. Ive learned that not all green things taste like dirt and that some of them actually taste good. I still avoid broccoli and cauliflower at all costs, however corn has graced my lips and celery and noodles. All things that my angry body will eventually crave and seek nourishment from. I'm trying new things, downloading recipes like mad from those healthy eating websites, not everything has to be bland and tasteless and while my aversion to chicken might pose a bit of a problem protein wise I'm sure I can find adequate solutions. I do love red meat though.

I'm proud of who I am becoming and for the first time in my life I'm starting to know what its like to love myself and not hate the person looking back at me in the mirror. I can take care of my body now and maybe in doing so start to heal my mind and get a new way of thinking. I'm still gonna be that annoying know it all but I'm gonna be a less blobby mess. I just hope I keep my boobs and that maybe some pudge will slide down to my ass and give me something to hold my jeans up. You people with naturally nice butts don't know how hard it is when I put jeans on and the ass part just sags like I dropped a load of timber off down there.

Ladies and gents reading I hope you will stick with me as I go through whats going to be the hardest week for me and continue to follow along on my journey to something better than this and hopefully take something away from these rambling posts, or am I just talking to myself here? gosh I really hope I  my boobs don't shrink that much when the weight starts to come off.
                                         

Controlling the Things Around Me Because I cant Control Myself

I'm a bit of a control freak at times but then again who isn't ? and I think it stems from the fact that I seem to lack self control when it comes to food and due to my panic disorder my brain has somehow convinced me that I'm not in charge of my own mind and body so I control everything I can. Like what my dogs eats and how much and where the ponies can stand when I'm grooming them and up until recently how much food I could eat. I would purposely stuff food into myself far beyond what I should have because of the lack of self control and because in my mind it was a coping mechanism and a way to try and control some part of my body and gain some control over my mind.  With my panic disorder its more like it controls me and I'm so afraid of having a panic attack that I'm just afraid all the time my therapist calls it fear of the fear which i guess to some extent makes sense but also baffles the hell out of me. There are times when I feel fine but theres always that little tickle of fear whispering in the back of my mind letting me know its there and can bring itself to the foreground at any time, I try often to tell it to fuck off and while it works sometimes for the most part I just stand aside and let it control me.

I didn't used to be the quivering blob in the corner. Oh no believe it or not I used to be a real bad ass or at least in my mind I was. Doing stuff like  coming home when I wanted, driving around town, smoking, drinking you know just regular rebellious teenager stuff. I used to ride horses though which I think kept me from doing a lot of stupid things my friends were doing and kept me out of a lot of trouble. As you can see Ive always had a control problem even before the panic disorder  moved in.

I'm trying to be better at not trying to control every situation and letting things go, I still need to be right all the time and take every chance I get to let my aunt or my mother know that "I was right and they were wrong". I don't think I will ever lose that. I might try and tone it down as I get older or just chant it in my head instead of letting it be known to all that I was right and everyone else was wrong. I'll admit I am wrong sometimes. The truth is I'm an imperfect person and I make mistakes, just don't tell anyone I said that.

Losing control is a nasty habit. I lose control of my mind and body, I lose control of my ability to curb myself when it comes to food. For the past 4 days all I've wanted to do is tear into the kitchen like a rabid wolf and eat everything in site and when I'm done with that possibly even eat the kitchen cabinets that's how hungry I feel ( see photo)

But I'm controlling myself also the appetite suppressant from the Dr seems to be helping too but I like to think that its more me(because I have to be right). I have started to control myself around food or I'm hoping I am, every other time Ive tried to lose weight I stick with it for about two weeks and then lose it completely, eat everything I can in excess and gain twice as much weight back. The gym helps because after walking for 45 minutes I'm too tired to even try to eat more than some cheese and a yogurt or an egg or something. And only in the last 3-4 days have I been doing more than walking 10 minutes and then stopping and sitting at the end of the treadmill playing on my phone. Before I thought "hey at least I'm at the gym" and for me that was my rationalization for eating much more than I should have like hey you walked for 10 minutes why don't you treat yourself to a nice big bag of chips and while you're at it grab some of those donuts as well and now look at me I'm too big to even ride one of those merry go round ponies at the fair.

Reminding myself that doing this whole working out and eating better thing is good for me is tough, its a struggle that I hope I can overcome. In the meantime I'm still controlling everything else until I find the inner strength to kick my panic disorders ass. Tomorrow is another gym day(I'm super thrilled) I successfully walked 45 minutes today and the goal is to do the same tomorrow but I wont hate myself if I cant make it, ill just try again the next day. Its an uphill battle for me and will be for awhile I think I'm tough enough to survive it though and come out the other end looking and feeling better than ever before.

                                                 Yay! gym tomorrow.......

Gym days, Tattoos and Food coma's

For the past three days I've been going to the gym and "working out" basically I'm just fast walking on a treadmill for 45 minutes which for me is hard as the thought of even getting off the couch which also happens to be my bed makes me tired. So far I'm not dead at least I don't think I am, and while I don't have an ultimate goal to get to like a specific weight I want to be or what size clothes I would like to fit into the basic plan is to work out, eat less and also eat things that I've never even looked at twice. Ya know that healthy stuff and go back to the Dr next month to see how things are going.

I used to try and make myself believe that I liked the way I looked or that I was happy being fat. This was when I was about 35-40 pounds lighter too and I just kept eating and saying I was OK with it,and that I was happy when in all reality I hated myself.I was depressed a lot of the time and I took to self injury something I had done on and off since I was about 14 as an escape and also I think so people would look at the cuts and scars and not at how large I had become for the most-part I'm a pretty happy upbeat person, I can make a joke about anything and that's what I was to myself a joke, and I was hiding behind my ability to laugh it off, and now that we are being completely honest I can admit that I wasn't happy, it was just a front and a way for me to rebel against what others were saying. Now when  I cant even walk more than 15 minutes without getting winded and the fact that I have to buy clothes that have no shape and when I look in the mirror and go "ugh gross who is that person?" is when I decided I wanted to change, also the fact that I would love to add more tattoos to my body and I surely don't want the poor tattoo artist to have to lift my fat rolls in order to tattoo me. I want to look at myself and like what I see and not hide it under a baggy shirt or shapeless pants, I will still be me just a healthier me and a me that can actually fit through small spaces, I mean what if I'm ever in a Turkish prison and have to grease my body up and escape through the sewers? I know not likely but it would be nice to be able to fit down the pipe if such a thing were to ever happen. I would like to see my feet again, its been awhile and I miss them. 
  
In the past whenever things got tough or I was bored or bummed out I would turn to food or cutting. Now after not cutting for quite some time, I was still turning to food for comfort and eating till I fell into little food comas and while on this new journey I can still turn to food for comfort just not bags of chips or donuts, I can quietly cry while stuffing apple slices into my mouth or strawberries, I'm slowly starting to realize that things don't have to be like this and if I stick to the plan and don't deviate things will be alright and I will still be awesome just not a giant blimp of a person. 

The Beginning of The Future

This is the beginning of my journey through weight loss and my rather eccentric life. I sit here now at 234 lbs deciding only a few days ago to make a change in my life, my goal isn't to be a stick figure size 2 just to be able to walk more than 20ft without getting winded also being able to wear clothes that aren't the size of a small parachute would be nice.
  
 I struggle daily to deal with everyday things that most people don't even think about, I tend to over think  things a bit too much which causes a lot of problems, the purpose of this blog is for me to be completely honest with myself as I never have been before  and give others a look into my crazy life. We can laugh together and cry together and fart together, OK that last one maybe not everyone will join in on but it was worth a shot. 

I have CPVT, PTSD, Depression, Panic Disorder and a myriad of other issues which I'm sure I will talk about in one of my many future rambling posts. Feel free to jump on this crazy train, get a bag of chip or popcorn and enjoy the show, the ups and downs and loop de loos that my life is. I hope at least someones day or night will be brightened by reading my posts. G'night for now will post again tomorrow.