Binge Eating and The War Raging Within

So today is day 5 of my weight loss journey and this is usually the point where things start to go south. I think because Ive gone so many days eating healthier that I deserve a reward of pizza and chips and other such icky non healthy eating people food, although no matter what I still plan to eat pizza again just not grab 4 slices and run off to my room and scarf them down like a rabid coyote. In the past it was much easier to go this route and when I would notice I had gained weight I would say "well its probably just bloating because I drank a lot of water" or "I'm probably getting my period so its water weight " none of these were true they were just things I would tell myself as I strolled into the kitchen to begin my binge eating for the night.

See my binge eating takes place when everyone's gone to bed, I used to do this for two reasons one  I didn't want anyone to see me and say something and also because I was ashamed. Ashamed of myself for what I was doing to my body, I can see now what I refused to acknowledge when I was 180lbs or what I ignored when I hit 190lbs or even when I finally tipped the scales at 230lbs and then packed on another 4 pounds in a week. If nobody could see me eating all that food then it meant I wasn't actually doing anything wrong and under the cover of darkness I couldn't see what I was stuffing my face with, I never looked at the food I was eating, I never felt full no matter how much I ate because you cant eat your feelings. Eventually it gets to you and things have to reach a point where you say well I can keep eating all this junk and lying to myself or I can change and be better at everything.

I'm not saying its always gonna be ponies and butterflies from here just because I decided it was time for a change. its gonna be hard. I'm gonna cry, laugh and get angry. I will probably yell at a few people but after a few weeks of changing what I eat and exercising and I think once I start to see the change in myself I'll have a better outlook on things right now I'm optimistic but in the back of my mind I'm still thinking I'm going to fail and go back to covering my feelings up with food.

Now that Ive gone 5 days with exercising and eating better my body is starting to revolt, the gas is killer and thank god I haven't gotten the runs. My body is confused as hell, its saying "wtf is this green shit?" and "why am I walking this much?" its trying to fight and I'm having mad sugar cravings, last night I was so hungry but instead of trying to bribe my brother into going to the gas station to get some chips and gummy bears I made a bowl of light soup, and I only made light because the other soups were some kind of spicy mess and there's enough of a war raging in my bowels right now I didn't need to start a fire. sorry I talk about poop and farts alot that's just me. For years all my body has know is sweets and pizza and all kinds of other disgusting sugar filled fattening stuff, my stomach is full but for some reason my body is like "hey man we usually eat more than this and theres like no sugar in this food"This is the beginning of hell week.

The following week will make or break my new path in life. If I can make it 5 more days I will be past the point of turning back and the wheels of change will be set in motion in my body, right now things are wonky and nobody knows what going on. My body is in a state of disbelief and confusion but I'm telling you right now with all the times Ive started and stopped diets if I can get through the next 5 days and make it to that 10 day mark and beyond then anyone can do it, for reals I'm not trying to pump sunshine up any ones ass. I'm seriously the worst dieter ever. This is like the 200th diet Ive been on. I tried weight watchers and herbalife and juicing(not steroids) actually putting fruit and veggies into a machine that smashes them into juice and drinking that, starving myself, Ive tried just eating vegetarian and while I did enjoy the veggies I cooked I freaking need meat too and well I just kinda slipped off the wagon and curled up under it with popcorn and candy.  I keep telling myself this is not a diet, this is your new way of eating and your new way of life.

I keep repeating that to myself every time I see a pizza or gummy bears or chips "This is your new way of eating and your new way of life" I then find the nearest yogurt or pack of strawberries and quietly rock myself back and forth while eating all the while longing for a milkshake and greasy cheeseburger. vegetables aren't so bad, I like carrots and cucumbers and zucchini. Ive learned that not all green things taste like dirt and that some of them actually taste good. I still avoid broccoli and cauliflower at all costs, however corn has graced my lips and celery and noodles. All things that my angry body will eventually crave and seek nourishment from. I'm trying new things, downloading recipes like mad from those healthy eating websites, not everything has to be bland and tasteless and while my aversion to chicken might pose a bit of a problem protein wise I'm sure I can find adequate solutions. I do love red meat though.

I'm proud of who I am becoming and for the first time in my life I'm starting to know what its like to love myself and not hate the person looking back at me in the mirror. I can take care of my body now and maybe in doing so start to heal my mind and get a new way of thinking. I'm still gonna be that annoying know it all but I'm gonna be a less blobby mess. I just hope I keep my boobs and that maybe some pudge will slide down to my ass and give me something to hold my jeans up. You people with naturally nice butts don't know how hard it is when I put jeans on and the ass part just sags like I dropped a load of timber off down there.

Ladies and gents reading I hope you will stick with me as I go through whats going to be the hardest week for me and continue to follow along on my journey to something better than this and hopefully take something away from these rambling posts, or am I just talking to myself here? gosh I really hope I  my boobs don't shrink that much when the weight starts to come off.