This is day 6 only 4 more days till I get past my previous quitting point. I think I can do it, I'm really trying. I'm feeling very negative despite my healthy choices made today all I want to do is eat. anything and everything forever till I explode or pass out. My body is used to having far more filling foods and much more food than what I'm giving it. Its like an angry rabid possum, I have so much anger going through me and I'm not sure why its the mood swings I tell ya. Previously if I felt the way I do right now I would usually cut myself or drown myself in food or both. In the past few months I have stopped injuring myself and that's when I really hit the food hard causing the most recent bout of weight gain which made me stop and realize I was huge and had to stop.
Using self-injury or food just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I hate looking at my arms and seeing the scars from what I did, and hate seeing my body look the way it does when I know what it used to look like and how I used to feel. Depression had its hold on me for so long and occasionally I still go through severe bouts of it sometimes with thoughts of suicide. Ive learned I don't need to act on those feeling anymore, I have a support system in place now. Someday it wont even be a thought. I just wont even think about drowning my feeling in ice cream or hurting myself from self loathing or hatred of what I looked like. I'm gonna emerge a beautiful, graceful, swan OK maybe not graceful since i can barely cross a room without knocking something over or banging into a table or tripping over a dog but I will be able to squeeze through one of those tunnels at the park that the homeless people sleep in sometimes, I used to get stuck in those.
One time I got stuck on a slide at adventure island and that was a few years ago, for some reason it didn't register in my mind that the reason I got stuck was because of my size I just thought the slide was defective for some reason. For years I would barely glance at myself in the mirror, In almost all my pictures from when I started getting bigger theres a look on my face and in my eyes that I just don't recognize. Even now I can barely look at myself without cringing in disgust but I forced myself to look, at every fat roll and stretch mark on my body while holding pictures of what I used to look like only a few short years ago. I'm not saying every big woman is disgusting don't get me wrong there are curvy woman in the world who are not fat at all and aren't bigger because they aren't taking care of themselves but because those are their bodies and some of them love their curvy bodies and some of them struggle to love themselves and wonder "what am I doing wrong?" "why aren't I a size 3?' That's just their bodies and I see them and think I could be happy looking like her, I wish I had her body. I wonder if they know theres people out there that long for their bodies who think they are beautiful. I used to be relatively thin not stick thin but not like those gorgeous curvy women somewhere in between stick and gorgeous curves. I'm like an old Volkswagen beetle junk in the trunk in the front and nothing in the back, its just flat, its like fat roll, fat roll, love handles, then nothing just straight down, and flat like as flat as Nichole Richie's chest, Recently I ran into a friend from high school and he commented on how I looked and asked if I was OK because of all the weight I had gained I asked what he meant and he said when we were in school I used to be hot as usual I made a joke and said I was still hot just twice as big and pretended his comment didn't hurt, but it did and I turned to food...again. Ive never considered myself hot, Ive had boyfriends and was always a little standoffish around them because I expected at any minute they were gonna laugh and go "just kidding why would I want you?"
eventually I would start to believe the thoughts in my head and would do stuff I knew would end the relationship because I was afraid and embarrassed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is if you want to make a change just start and do it and struggle and do what you have to do to get to where you wanna be, I'm really not sure if I'm gonna be able to live a healthy life style I just know I have to if I ever want to be able to look at myself again without wanting to vomit and being able to do more than walk a few feet without getting winded or pick up a box without getting dizzy. I'm going the take some appetite suppressants(from the dr) and try to eat better and exercise more route and I'm sticking to a plan that I made with my Dr before I think about doing anything drastic like surgery. Since I'm scared of needles and most Dr's I'm hoping this time it works and I stick with it. fingers crossed, and legs and toes and anything else I can cross.
If anyone reading wants to talk I'm by no means an expert but I'm willing to listen and offer any help or words of encouragement I can. feel free to email me there should be a link somewhere on this thing or comment, I'm also on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/nikki.tobin
Nikki, you are by far one of the bravest young ladies that I have met. You have a heart of gold, and are beautiful inside as well as OUTSIDE...you my friend can call me at anytime, day or night..we both could walk and exercise together, and I will stick to your diet just send it my way...I will eat healthy with you...starting...AS SOON AS YOU GET THE DIET TO ME..
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