I'm a bit of a control freak at times but then again who isn't ? and I think it stems from the fact that I seem to lack self control when it comes to food and due to my panic disorder my brain has somehow convinced me that I'm not in charge of my own mind and body so I control everything I can. Like what my dogs eats and how much and where the ponies can stand when I'm grooming them and up until recently how much food I could eat. I would purposely stuff food into myself far beyond what I should have because of the lack of self control and because in my mind it was a coping mechanism and a way to try and control some part of my body and gain some control over my mind. With my panic disorder its more like it controls me and I'm so afraid of having a panic attack that I'm just afraid all the time my therapist calls it fear of the fear which i guess to some extent makes sense but also baffles the hell out of me. There are times when I feel fine but theres always that little tickle of fear whispering in the back of my mind letting me know its there and can bring itself to the foreground at any time, I try often to tell it to fuck off and while it works sometimes for the most part I just stand aside and let it control me.
I didn't used to be the quivering blob in the corner. Oh no believe it or not I used to be a real bad ass or at least in my mind I was. Doing stuff like coming home when I wanted, driving around town, smoking, drinking you know just regular rebellious teenager stuff. I used to ride horses though which I think kept me from doing a lot of stupid things my friends were doing and kept me out of a lot of trouble. As you can see Ive always had a control problem even before the panic disorder moved in.
I'm trying to be better at not trying to control every situation and letting things go, I still need to be right all the time and take every chance I get to let my aunt or my mother know that "I was right and they were wrong". I don't think I will ever lose that. I might try and tone it down as I get older or just chant it in my head instead of letting it be known to all that I was right and everyone else was wrong. I'll admit I am wrong sometimes. The truth is I'm an imperfect person and I make mistakes, just don't tell anyone I said that.
Losing control is a nasty habit. I lose control of my mind and body, I lose control of my ability to curb myself when it comes to food. For the past 4 days all I've wanted to do is tear into the kitchen like a rabid wolf and eat everything in site and when I'm done with that possibly even eat the kitchen cabinets that's how hungry I feel ( see photo)
But I'm controlling myself also the appetite suppressant from the Dr seems to be helping too but I like to think that its more me(because I have to be right). I have started to control myself around food or I'm hoping I am, every other time Ive tried to lose weight I stick with it for about two weeks and then lose it completely, eat everything I can in excess and gain twice as much weight back. The gym helps because after walking for 45 minutes I'm too tired to even try to eat more than some cheese and a yogurt or an egg or something. And only in the last 3-4 days have I been doing more than walking 10 minutes and then stopping and sitting at the end of the treadmill playing on my phone. Before I thought "hey at least I'm at the gym" and for me that was my rationalization for eating much more than I should have like hey you walked for 10 minutes why don't you treat yourself to a nice big bag of chips and while you're at it grab some of those donuts as well and now look at me I'm too big to even ride one of those merry go round ponies at the fair.
Reminding myself that doing this whole working out and eating better thing is good for me is tough, its a struggle that I hope I can overcome. In the meantime I'm still controlling everything else until I find the inner strength to kick my panic disorders ass. Tomorrow is another gym day(I'm super thrilled) I successfully walked 45 minutes today and the goal is to do the same tomorrow but I wont hate myself if I cant make it, ill just try again the next day. Its an uphill battle for me and will be for awhile I think I'm tough enough to survive it though and come out the other end looking and feeling better than ever before.
Yay! gym tomorrow.......
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