And its boring today

Been thinking the last few days that I feel lighter jumped on the scale and noticed I had lost another 7 pounds Whoo hoo for me! I still feel fat just not like fat fat and tonight I had some pizza and stopped when I felt full and there was still pizza left. Sweet

Its still a daily struggle, It probably always will be. As for other aspects of my life things are going good, My anxiety is still high as I'm worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet as usual. I'm noticing my face looks smaller although theres still some chins on my neck just not so many haha.

Ive got more energy and Ive just been happy a lot even though theres plenty of stuff going on that should depress me. I'm just in a really good place right now but I am always expecting the other shoe to fall and something horrible to happen and ill go back to being depressed again or something. I sure hope not.

Well hopefully my next post is well...more than this one was haahaha.

Frozen in Fear

I haven't felt much like posting anything the last few days, not entirely sure why. Its still hard getting through each day without scarfing down every bit of food I see but my cravings are more manageable now. I have been really tired though, which could be because I'm not running solely on sugar now haha or I'm just not getting enough sleep, who knows. Its been a weird week for me.

For the last few years Ive struggled with a panic disorder, I no longer live my life normally, I'm in a constant state of fear and anxiety theres hardly a moment when I'm not anxious about something. It completely controls me, I could be doing something Ive done for years and then suddenly I'm frozen in fear and cant move or breathe or think. Its really very frustrating, in my mind I cant even imagine doing something normally even that makes me nervous and afraid.

Its very hard on me and my family and has completely destroyed my friendships, I used to be surrounded by friends and drive and go out and do stupid stuff, now whatever friends I do have are online or have to come to me, Its part of the reason I turned to food so much because I had nothing else to do but sit inside and eat and sleep. I'm not sure how I will get over it, I try every day. Its a struggle just to compose myself enough to get out of bed and go out with my aunt but I only do this because the thought of staying home alone is more terrifying than what could happen going to the gym or the supermarket although sometimes I cant even do that as those things are terrifying as well.

Someday I know I will be able to go back to the way I was before, hopefully before most of my family dies off because I would really love to be able to take Ollie on walks again or drive or just do something other than what I'm doing now.

I need to think more like Vinny which isn't really thinking at all he just does stuff hehe

Happy all the Time

The great thing about this new weight loss/healthy eating journey is that it was hard in the beginning but now not so much, It gives me a chance to try new things although now that Ive found the foods I like i tend to stick to those. Something new I tried today was like a freeze dried cranberry thing, its freaking delicious, its something I used to go eww at whenever I saw it at the store and now I'm like when can I get more?

Last post I talked about my self injury and some of my reasoning's behind it, I got an insane response from nasty people to some great people that felt the way I did and asked for some advice and are now on their way to getting the help they need, I am so filled with joy when I know some of the things I post on here help someone in some way, This is not only helping me but other folks too.

I struggle to keep up with the healthy bit of this journey but I can see its all worth it. A lot of people are commenting on how I look and how much better I look, sometimes I think I see it and other times I think I look the same if not larger and I feel bad, but the scale doesn't lie and I have lost weight but I guess its just gonna take some time for me to notice myself.

Lately I feel less tired and have more energy as well as noticing that old clothes that were previously tight now fit me so its taking time but the weights coming off. Also Ive been super super happy lately which I'm not sure why but it could be the exercise since exercising releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy.  Either way I'm happy :)

Self Injury and Making it all Real

For a long time since I was about 14 I used self-injury as an escape or more for me as a punishment I felt I deserved. I tried to take my own life several times and ended up being hospitalized twice for those attempts. I hated myself and my body, I hated the way people treated me, I did everything I could to make sure I was different and cut off from people. I ate and after I ate I felt awful and punished myself with cutting or if someone was mean to be I thought it was because of something I did or that something was wrong with me and would go and hurt myself.

When I first started it used to hurt and over time I didn't feel it anymore so I cut deeper and more often and all over, I wanted to die a lot of the time. I hid behind my scars and behind my ever growing body because I was ashamed. It has taken me years to realize that I did those things because I wanted whatever I was feeling at the time to go away, focusing on eating or hurting myself was easier that facing what my actual problems were. I hated my body for a long time and always felt jealous around my friends who were thinner than I was, people made fun of me but I just made fun of myself along with them because I didn't want them to see that their words affected me,instead I just hurt myself.

It took me a very long time to realize that I needed to change in order to feel better, it has been months since I have injured myself although I still get strong,strong urges to do it  and it has been almost an entire month into my new healthy lifestyle, I feel better about myself and actually want to be seen. My anxiety is still as bad as ever which drives my aunt insane and part of my anxiety is about losing weight and what I will look like without all this fat on my body and how people will look at me, I'm already getting attention and people commenting on how good I look which kinda makes me feel weird a bit. I'm still self conscious, I still have scars on my arms and body from hurting myself and sometimes people ask about those I try to avoid it as much as possible but now I kinda feel like people should know and realize they don't have to do what I did to myself just to feel better. I'm like the handbook on how not to deal with stressful situations.

This is kind of a more serious post but after somebody tried to use my past transgressions against me earlier I decided to open up a bit, some people who will read this will know things I thought I would never share with them but its time they knew and its time I actually put it down into words instead of letting it mill about in my head, once its on paper or I guess the Internet it makes it more real and makes me more accountable for it as well.

My animals play a huge role in my life though too and give me something to care for, I have ponies and a horse and snakes and cats and rats and geckos, all kinds of critters and they require a lot of care. They keep me sane, even in my darkest spots I know they need me and I think about them before doing anything stupid now as well as having a human support system to go with them :)

If anyone feel the need to hurt themselves or even take their own life please contact a counselor or a therapist, your parents or even the suicide hot line, Ive lost friends to suicide and cant imagine how my family would have felt had I actually died during one of my attempts. Its not a laughing matter and there are people who can help. Now I gotta go take a poopski talk to you folks tomorrow.

Gotta love Fridays right?

Ive been so scatterbrained lately I missed posting, Well its almost a month and total weight loss so far is 18 pounds. People are commenting on how I'm looking thinner and just better in general although I have to admit that the last two days I cheated I had subway and Chinese food all in the same day, I didn't binge eat I stopped when I was full but still I felt like a big ol cheater .

Sticking to eating healthier foods is hard. On paper it seems easy like oh well instead of pizza I can eat some salad and some chicken but in actuality its so hard, I never realized the temptations that exist out there because Ive never ignored them before if I wanted candy I got it and ate it now I look but don't buy it. Sometimes it feels so good to be able to ignore the bad foods and its like a little personal victory for me. I spend a lot of time thinking about eating the foods I used to which I'm not sure is a good or bad thing.

I have tons more energy now and Ive started going a bit faster on the treadmill without seeing too much difference in my heart rate which means my stamina is b uilding up and I can do so much more. I gotta spend a bit more time on the treadmill though lately I just do my 45 minutes and stop when I feel like I can do more and I know I can but I just don't and that's really just my laziness and has nothing to do with my actual abilities.

I think next post I will do one of the recipes Ive been making that's meat free and super delicious. For now I have to go clean my snake cages and feed my rats.

                                            heres a cute picture of my mini horse Ollie

Sleep Deprivation and Kittens

Gym day today and I did awesome made it 45 minutes and still had energy yet didn't go further, maybe next time. I starting to notice my weight loss and other people are even commenting, I can see my cheekbones faintly now; my face has a shape other than fat.

So Ive been thinking a lot about how much weight I want to lose and realistically I should lose about 100 pounds but who knows I might be happier if I only lose 30 pounds I don't know as Ive never really thought of myself as any other size than what I am now. I'm just going with the flow, not eating crap food and eating healthy food and smaller meals as well. The weight is not flying off but its going away slowly and in time I can see whats what.

Those healthy choice frozen steamer meals are freaking awesome, I don't have to prepare anything I just toss them in the microwave and cook em and eat them. Since I'm so lazy this works perfectly for me for people who like to cook a really simple snack Ive been making is zucchini fries. Theres tons of recipes for them online check em out and eat em, they are freaking delicious! This is another short post as Ive been bottle feeding a kitten since Saturday and haven't slept more than a few hours, and if I keep writing I might start telling you about my hallucinations which are sure to start soon from the sleep deprivation, not really but who knows with me.

<3 all the emails I'm receiving and I'm so thrilled that I can be an inspiration for people anyone wanting to  keep in touch or get recipes or even just vent shoot me an email at nt68863@yahoo.com

Cramps are a real bitch

Cramps are a bitch, I went to the gym today and tried to do my 45 minutes but I just couldn't make it because of the damn cramps ugh its pretty frustrating when I want to actually work out and my body wont let me. On the other hand I got to sit on the end of the treadmill while my aunt finished her workout and watch all the potential stroke victims that attend my gym, theres a small corner where semi good looking men and woman hang out and lift weights but for the most part is nearly dead old people using the sit down StairMaster and overweight middle aged woman attending zumba classes.

I'm not knocking these people, I applaud them for getting out there doing what they are doing I'm just stating what I see there, Theres a real trooper of a woman who actually brings an oxygen tank with her and totes it around from machine to machine shes pretty bad ass. Vinny got to see another service dog at the gym which was odd for him and me since I usually let him kinda just do his own thing there as everyone knows him but didn't want him bothering the other dog so I had to keep hold of his leash, I did lose another pound and its deff starting to show at this point, my cat on the other hand gained a pound her head looks like it was just stuck to a butterball turkey, she seems happy though and I doubt I can get her to trot along on a treadmill so shes staying chubby for now.

Also my legs are getting so muscular now I mean they were before from when I used to ride horses but now they are like tree trunks of steel I could kick a hole through someones face now that is if I could kick that high, OK let me rephrase I could kick a hole through a short persons face. I feel stronger and I look forward to going to the gym, Now to get over all my other issues.

                                          My eyes looked freaking awesome today..... just saying

Literally Just Rambling

Due to the loss of one of my pets I didn't get to post yesterday like I had planned so lets just jump right in on something that's been bugging me. When I decided to lose weight to get healthier I started noticing all these "Love the body you are in" pics floating around and pages with big girls saying I love the body I'm in and that's fine if that is indeed how your body is then I think that's fine, but what bothers me is when I see these girls that I know can have better looking/healthier bodies and are just using that as an excuse to hide behind. I'm not really dieting, I'm eating differently and exercising I'm just losing weight along the way I don't have a goal weight in mind or anything whatever comes off comes off.

Loving the body you are in is great but If the body you are in is like 300 pounds and all you eat is candy and pizza and act like you love your body then in my opinion you don't actually love your body, if you have curves and want to flaunt them then go for it but be healthy. I freaking hate vegetables so I'm not really eating a ton of those, the ones I'm eating Ive found ways to make them taste like things I actually like. also another thing bothering me is big woman like I mean fat woman wearing clothes that don't fit and saying they are showing off their curves, uh uh no ma'am sorry but I have friends who are built curvy and big and they do not dress like that. They look good and pull it off and don't look like they just rolled out of the hookers r us dumpster. Sorry I'm being kinda mean tonight aren't I ? I'm in a bit of a shitty mood.

Ive lost 14 pounds! yay me. and my family is supporting me throughout even my uncle wrote me some words of encouragement and even shared some his own struggles and even though  his weren't the same as mine it still meant a lot to hear what he had to say and only gave me that extra push to keep going and do what I need to do to get healthy. Tomorrow is a gym day and as usual I'm going to go for my 45 minute walk even though all I really wanna do is sleep, but alas I have errands to run.

hai guys I think I can see my cheekbones now