I'm Not Coming to Your Wedding Unless There's Cake

My weight loss check in post I suppose, Since I fell off the wagon gained back what I had previously lost and then some I've now begun again in the last month. So far 13 pounds down, I exercise daily and my stamina is building. I'm tired all the time but I know with more time it will get easier.

Back to eating better hoping to stay on the wagon this time but will forgive myself if I happen to fall off again, no goals set in place and that's how I like it. Taking it day by day seems to work. I did get a dress one size smaller that I usually wear and it fits but not quite a few more weeks and I'll be there….. I think.

So far, though the urge has been strong there has been no self harm either, though I have come very,very close I've resisted and am proud of myself for it.

Other than that everything is seeming to be holding strong. Anxiety is still a big issue but that is also being taken day by day.

Now I think since I've put up including this post three tonight its time for me to get to bed. Hang in there to anyone struggling, it may not always get better but sometimes it gets less crappy than it is now.

I am Me, You are You. Wanna Ride on My Handlebars?

I Recently made the decision to shave my head and its amazing the release I've felt since then, I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Lots of people don't like it but more people have really loved it and Recently I've started using the hash tag #beunique when i post a pic of myself, I see lots of pics attached to it already but I decided to do something fun with it hopefully it will catch on. 

 So here goes. Post a photo of the real you, Something you wouldn't normally post but you're posting it because you wanna say Fuck you to the world and let your freak flag fly and stop hiding who you are because of what others might think. Be open, Be honest, Be the bad ass that you know is inside no matter how small it might be. It can be anything, a picture you might have been ashamed to post or maybe you want to tell your story or just get something off your chest or even just say one thing nobody knows about you, there are no rules really and then tag me on instagram @pacemaker_girl89 using the hash tag #beunique twice a month I'll choose a photo and give a shout out and a unique prize related to your photo and you. 

Now get out there you crazy kids and be unique, stand out, Make the world look at you and go WOW! and don't even care what kinda wow it is. 

and here's a cute pic of my horsey she's unique in so many ways 

Angst Ridden 90's Child

Oh kids today will never know the horrible sound, similar to the sound a cat makes when you try to give it a bath of dial up Internet, of your parent yelling at you to get off the computer so they can make a phone call. They will never know the feeling of having to wear a belt in order to keep your pants up if you were lucky enough to even have a cell phone because it was so heavy it dragged those suckers down or it was too big to fit in your pocket so you had to wear a lame ass belt clip/pouch lol. The annoyance of having to go to the library to find information because the Internet didn't have all the answers at that time.

So growing up in the 90s meant I dealt with all those things, realizing how much the world has changed in such a short amount of time I'm only 24 almost 25 and to think if I ever have kids they may never know the scent of a book or feel the worn pages.everything they want to know is at their fingertips, Its a shame really. I remember when I was in middle school I had this sweatshirt that said Angry,Young and Poor. I wore that thing till it was in rags and then patched it up till it barely resembled its original form. Its saying fit me so well at the time. I was angry, I was young (still am) and I was poor. As I got older Ive learned that I'm still young and always will be because theres always something new to learn, I'm no longer as angry as I was Ive learned or rather forced myself to stay as neutral as possible as they say in frozen conceal, don't feel. And as for the poor thing, money wise I am poor but in friends and things that make me happy I am rich, richer than the richest man in the world. 

I once saw a movie with Robin Williams where he said, "you cant have everything, or is it you can have everything because it seems like some people do have everything" I may not have gotten that completely correct but you get the gist of it. 

I guess what this once again rambling post is trying to say is be happy with what you have, make the best of it and in the process if you can make someone else happy too. 

I miss the 90s where the hardest thing I had to do was my math homework ha ha 

I Just Want To Be Free

To be trapped inside your own mind is one of the worst things in the world and also one of the most difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.

 Picture this…. You see your car and start to walk towards it but suddenly you stop dead in your tracks, a cold tingling sensation pulses from your face all down your body, you cant breathe, your vision fades in and out, you feel a fear that there are no words for  and feel as if you are going to die and no matter how hard you try to move towards your car you can't each step you try to take only fills you with more fear and pain until you feel like you are going to die or you wish you would die so the pain and fear can end.

 That's how it is daily for people with anxiety, panic disorders, PTSD,agoraphobia and probably a lot of other illnesses. To wake up each day wishing it was just a normal day only to be filled with fear,anxiety,pain from the moment you wake up until the moment you lay your head down. Its torture, nobody asks to live like this, its not "all in our heads".  We are trapped inside ourselves, some days are better than others but most days are pure torture.

To live knowing nobody understands these feeling except others who have gone through the same things is frustrating as hell, nobody asks to live like this.

Ugh Fuck This Internet Bro

The search for a nutritionist begins as I'm beginning to realize I cant do this on my own, I wanna be the best me but I'm so confused. I feel so comfortable being fat and eating what I want but my Dr has said I  need to lose weight which bums me out. 

I'm super sorry to everyone who has messaged me and been asking why I haven't posted lately and I can only say I'm sorry, I'm still in my funk and having trouble finding my way out. With depression sometimes it can last a few days, sometimes longer. This one seems to be a long one. 

Plus side, I got new glasses so I can see things a lot better now than before and I've discovered the wonder of wigs lol I can just plop on a new style or color and go so no more destroying my hair with bleach and I might even go so far as to just shave my head completely and just wear wigs all the time haha. 

So for now ill go and once again ill try to post more often in the meantime if anyone needs to talk or just wants to vent or something shoot me an email: nt68863@yahoo.com 

here's some pics of my new wig, glasses  and me wearing makeup ( I know shocker right?!) 
 

Even Vinny decided to try a wig 

And a pic of just me wearing my glasses 

talk to everyone soon I hope 

Im Still Alive and Still Fat but I Love Myself Anyways

WOW! Sitting here with my computer plugged directly into the Internet box and  I can finally log in and post without the Internet dying or my computer going insane also have some super awesome nostalgia from the good old dial up desk top computer days haha. So sorry to not have been writing anything. I'm still in a funk but still attempting to lose weight at my own pace and in a healthy way. Taking supplements now and vitamins so theres that. Lately I've been trying to find things to keep myself busy, I've taken up painting again and done some clay sculpting.

I mean I'm still struggling with my depression, heck yesterday I sent a blubbery, incomprehensible email to someone whose been dead for a few years because I needed to express some feelings and thoughts that frankly I think if I told anyone id immediately be sent to the local loony bin, not that loonies bins are horrible places just I wanna make sure I end up somewhere nice and not somewhere like a  One Flew Over the Cookoos Nest kinda place ya know? Also I felt like since he couldn't answer I wouldn't be judged to harshly or at all really.Surprisingly  it helped in more ways than I can explain.

I'm doing the best I can with the life I live right now, some days are better than others but I've learned a lot and I'm still discovering new things about myself and hopefully finding some new ways to help me become more myself again. I feel like somethings missing, like any minute I could drift off to somewhere and never come back or theres an invisible force pulling me from inside further and further from my dreams.

Well this is the best I can come up with for now, here's some recent pics for y'all and again as I've said before I'm gonna try really hard to write more if this Internet holds up and I feel the need to write and express the mostly un scary parts of my brains lol

Also if anyone feels the need to talk or express something without being judged or I don't know made to feel crappy then feel free to email me: nt68863@yahoo.com if you end up not being creepy I might even give ya my cell number lol 

Its time for the salmon to spawn

I cant stop eating fish, all I've eaten for the past two weeks are tilapia fillets and tuna sandwiches and mostly drinking tea and water. I'm gonna turn into a fish soon. In addition to all the fish eating I've been painting a lot probably has to due with the fact that my local craft store had a huge sale on canvases and paint. P.S I'm almost out of paint but not canvases.

Currently I'm wearing a peel off face mask because I really like to try and pull it off in one piece, and I'm waiting for a mouse to defrost so I can feed my snake. Other than that life is pretty boring, but if you're inside my head its a different story. My brain is going faster than I can process. I wanna do everything at once but then forget what I wanted to do, then I'm tired, then I'm scared, then I feel invincible, then I'm scared again. So many feelings all at once, my body feels like every nerve is trying to go a different direction, like my skin could just fly off my body or something. I wanna be around people but at the same time I don't. Its an odd time to be my brain.

I am slowly falling in love with girl clothes, mostly dresses, I find having to wear more than like tights and a dress is just too much clothing, only thing I have to remember is not to sit with my legs spread like a ball player.  Well that's all I have now, anymore and I might just write an entire page of gibberish and numbers. for now here's a cute pic of my gecko

UPDATE: The face mask did not come off in one piece, this makes me slightly disappointed.

Today is not my day

 I decided to make myself post something because if I didn't I would just stop and never finish, I have a habit of doing that (not finishing things).
So I woke up this morning very confused and it took me a moment to figure out where I was, then I went to the gym and was doing well till my knee and hip starting hurting enough that I just couldn't push through the pain and had to stop. Then I came home and put a pan on the stove and while waiting for it to heat up I went outside to let the horses into the yard and forgot the pan was on the stove, luckily my aunt was in the kitchen and turned it off but just lately I haven't been "here". I've been spacing out a lot and cant remember hardly anything.

 I cant explain not posting other than I've just lacked motivation or drive to do much of anything. On the plus side I'm eating more vegan and vegetarian foods,I've discovered I have a love for veggie burgers haha who knew. Today is the first day that I've noticed some changes to my body, there are dips in my stomach where there was tight skin and just straight fat and that's gone now, I'll admit I fell off the wagon a bit and gained back the weight I had previously lost when I was taking the prescription weight loss pill, after I had to stop taking the medicine I turned to food again because I felt I had failed somehow when in all reality it was just the fact that my body and the meds didn't mix.

So the only bright spot of my day was seeing the little dips in my stomach and realizing that I was once again actually losing weight despite my self hate and thinking all those vegetables were giving me the shits for nothing, today just hasn't been my day. I'm really gonna try harder to post more often. I promise  I'm still here haha and now for a quick pic

and a cute pic of my pony

The Devil wears a Blue dress and cooks Pancakes

Do you ever just wake up one day and think "who am I ?" or how did I get here. you just feel like somewhere along the way you lost a part of yourself and you aren't you anymore but you don't know exactly whats missing or what you need to do to find yourself or that missing piece.

I may only be 24 but I've learned a lot,mainly from my poor choices but that's what mistakes are for, to learn from them. Over the years I've drifted from the person I thought I would be and along the way forgotten who I am and lost myself. I feel like a ghost moving from day to day. Ive lost the ability to try and fight for the things I used to care about so passionately. Ive become a shadow of my former self and live in fear almost every minute of every day.

One thing I have learned is to not to ask myself in stressful situation or situations where I might have gotten angry or upset. Will getting angry change anything?  will it make me feel better? Will the situation change because I'm yelling? the answer is no, so I found a way to turn my emotions off when I need to, to avoid getting upset. I shut down and become dead inside, not sure if this is a good thing or not but it had helped me, so I guess for me it works. Some people don't seem to agree, but its the way it is I guess until I find a better way.

Sorry for my lack of posts lately, I've lacked motivation and really just haven't had much to write, this was just something on my mind. Lately I've been thinking a lot about death and why I'm here, some people seem to know exactly why they are here and what they should be doing, while others like me seem to drift in and out of reality trying to grasp onto something real and find our ways in the world. I might never know what I'm here for so I'm gonna just do what makes me happy and everyone else can just stick it.

I go above and beyond for complete strangers not because I like being taken advantage of but because I see the good in people no matter how small, even my father had some good in him somewhere, though I never got to see it, I know he had a sliver in there somewhere. Think of the way I move through life like a Vulcan, I've purged myself of all human emotion at least in a sense I have and only for certain situations. I don't give a fuck anymore, this is me. Accept it or keep walking or please be my friend haha . I'm in a cone of uncertainty right now and until I get a grip on things, this is how its gonna be (crazy), this is how it has to be, because otherwise ill lose it completely if I haven't already and just don't know it and that'll be it.

Keep your head above water until the rescue boats show up or some other inspirational thing lol

This is a very ramble post, but these are the thoughts running through my head and its very hard to get them straight and into a coherent sequence, so just go with it. 

Also I got my first dress, it has cute little ponies on it. 

If Life Were a Video Game Things Would be so Much Easier

If life was like a video it would be so much easier at least to me. If something went wrong you can just go back to your last save point or you can just wander around, choose a storyline, live forever, hit the pause button when you need a break  the possibilities are endless when you think about. I could start at the point before I got fat or before i developed my panic disorder, or avoided people and situations that I know I should have but didn't and ended up paying for it in the long run. There are specific goals and achievements all listed in games so theres no need to make your own.

I was just playing a game and I had reached all the goals for that level but hadn't finished the level yet so I was just aimlessly flying around and said I don't know what to do without the goals and then thought about my life and how I don't really have any goals, I mean I have things I think about and how life would be once I reached that point in my life but none of them are really goals I'm driving hard towards, in a way having goals kinda scares me because if I set goals but don't reach them I can't really blame anyone but me. In a video game when you reach all the goals and beat all the levels and the credits roll that's it but in life theres no set list of what you're supposed to do that's up to you, I've made a series of bad choices that led me to where I am now, sadly life is not a video game not that I'm good at games because I suck as much at those as I do at life.

So I guess if I were to make goals they would be to overcome my panic disorder, lose weight and….. Well I'm not really sure that's where the list kinda ends, go to college? nah, I'm not really wanting anything academically, so I'm not sure where to go from there. Punch the asshole who keeps driving their stupid four wheeler up and down my road? nope, besides I need goals that don't include jail time although if I accomplish the weight loss goal I might also be able to escape prison with my small body and a little butter.  Get more cat shits? haha you can never have enough of those. This is hard, I guess ill just start with the first two and see what happens from there. Level 1: lose weight, overcome panic disorder,  get more cat shirts,yup sounds like a good start i'll let you know when I reach the next level.

   

When the credits roll at the end I hope I've achieved more than just lose weight and overcome my panic disorder, and getting more cat shirts. I don't know what else I want to accomplish but knowing me it will be awesome but somewhat stupid or weird or something only I understand. In the meantime I'm gonna just play this level of life and see what happens next. 

I Wish You Could Turn The Volume Down on the Rain

Something I felt I should get out and share is the last time I tried to commit suicide, I say last time because I'm really hoping it was the last time. I had tried previous times before but I guess you could say I lacked the conviction I did with this last time. I had been invited to a party/gathering and I think I had kinda planned to kill myself before the invite and when I got it I hoped it would be some sort of reprieve or stop that suicide train from leaving the station or maybe that somebody would notice something was wrong and that every fiber of my being was screaming for someone, anyone to notice and help me. Nobody did. so I hung out laughed had a few beers and had a good time for awhile, the friends I looked forward to showing up and the ones who had invited me and promised a ride home never showed up, There were only a handful of people I know there and that I enjoyed hanging out with.
At some point during the party the switch in my head flipped and told me to just kill myself. I went to my bag and took half a bottle of my heart medication and half a bottle of xanax and then drank like a crazy person. I remember bits and pieces after that, getting glass in my foot and some chick taking the glass out for me, people climbing on the roof and at some point the people I knew heading home. I didn't really care at that point but started to feel uncomfortable dying at someone I didn't knows house so around 3am I called a family member to come pick me up, I went home and went to my room hoping I would die in my sleep.

When I woke up the next morning it took me a minute to realize that I hadn't died and that I was still alive, I was distraught. I had an appt with my shrink that morning so I went to that. He immediately could tell something was wrong and asked me what was up, I burst into tears I told him what I had done and he asked if I planned to try again, I said yes because I had planned on trying again. So began the baker act, I was brought to the harbor who then decided I had to be transferred to another facility in lutz. I spent two weeks there being pumped full of so many anti depressants after awhile of trying to get the doctors to understand what I was feeling and what was going on in my head and they ignored me I said I wanted to go home. The day I left I told them I wanted to go home and kill myself. I didn't kill myself obviously but I did go home and cut myself which made me feel better for awhile.

I stopped taking the meds they had prescribed after feeling no different and after a month or two I started to feel more normal once the drugs got out of my system, I have a support system now and people to talk to and places to go if I ever feel like that again. I'm not saying I never have a suicidal thought just that I don't think ill ever try to do myself in again, that was one of the lowest points in my life, there was no trigger, nothing that pushed me to the edge. I was just tired of living and wanted everything to stop.

Its been quite some time since I've cut myself or even thought about killing myself and now that I'm anti depressant free I feel so much less groggy and more like myself, I still struggle with bouts of depression but nowadays who doesn't?

Life is a struggle, for some people its harder than others. Things do have their less shitty moments I suppose.

Again I may not have the best advice but I can listen so if anyone feels they struggle and need someone to talk to they can feel free to message me, email, text, for the most part I'm awake and if I see a text or message will answer right away email: nt68863@yahoo.com Text: 352-428-5469 and Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nikki.tobin also if you're thinking about suicide call a hot line or go to a hospital, I was stupid when I tried and should have told someone how I felt but sadly didn't and ended up in the loony bin which though it had its fun moments really wasn't all that great.