The Devil wears a Blue dress and cooks Pancakes

Do you ever just wake up one day and think "who am I ?" or how did I get here. you just feel like somewhere along the way you lost a part of yourself and you aren't you anymore but you don't know exactly whats missing or what you need to do to find yourself or that missing piece.

I may only be 24 but I've learned a lot,mainly from my poor choices but that's what mistakes are for, to learn from them. Over the years I've drifted from the person I thought I would be and along the way forgotten who I am and lost myself. I feel like a ghost moving from day to day. Ive lost the ability to try and fight for the things I used to care about so passionately. Ive become a shadow of my former self and live in fear almost every minute of every day.

One thing I have learned is to not to ask myself in stressful situation or situations where I might have gotten angry or upset. Will getting angry change anything?  will it make me feel better? Will the situation change because I'm yelling? the answer is no, so I found a way to turn my emotions off when I need to, to avoid getting upset. I shut down and become dead inside, not sure if this is a good thing or not but it had helped me, so I guess for me it works. Some people don't seem to agree, but its the way it is I guess until I find a better way.

Sorry for my lack of posts lately, I've lacked motivation and really just haven't had much to write, this was just something on my mind. Lately I've been thinking a lot about death and why I'm here, some people seem to know exactly why they are here and what they should be doing, while others like me seem to drift in and out of reality trying to grasp onto something real and find our ways in the world. I might never know what I'm here for so I'm gonna just do what makes me happy and everyone else can just stick it.

I go above and beyond for complete strangers not because I like being taken advantage of but because I see the good in people no matter how small, even my father had some good in him somewhere, though I never got to see it, I know he had a sliver in there somewhere. Think of the way I move through life like a Vulcan, I've purged myself of all human emotion at least in a sense I have and only for certain situations. I don't give a fuck anymore, this is me. Accept it or keep walking or please be my friend haha . I'm in a cone of uncertainty right now and until I get a grip on things, this is how its gonna be (crazy), this is how it has to be, because otherwise ill lose it completely if I haven't already and just don't know it and that'll be it.

Keep your head above water until the rescue boats show up or some other inspirational thing lol

This is a very ramble post, but these are the thoughts running through my head and its very hard to get them straight and into a coherent sequence, so just go with it. 

Also I got my first dress, it has cute little ponies on it.