Genetic Anomaly or Run of the Mill Freak?

The motivation just hasn't been around for me to do much of anything, I'm starting to retreat into myself and continue to have a feeling that something is going to happen, I don't know if its good or bad I just have an odd feeling, I'm starting to feel depressed again and I'm not sure if that's because I held in my emotions to get through Christmas, which I might add was just barely. My mother managed to control herself and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves which is rare in this home.

With Christmas over and the new year fast approaching, I keep thinking of all the resolutions people are going to be posting about and everyone making all these plans to change, and I'm all over here like "oh wow that's kewl I'm gonna try really hard not to get so depressed that I cut myself or try to do myself in" ha ha. the amount of times I think about suicide in a day is immeasurable. I'm not going to kill myself but the thoughts are still there along with a resounding resentment towards anyone who isn't as fucked in the head as I am. I keep seeing pics of everyone at parties and having a good time and I feel left out in a way even thought its my own doing along with my brain. I see my family doing every day things like getting the mail and think I used to do that now if I even try my brain suddenly screams "stop don't move you're going to die, its too open out here, you're too exposed" then my heart agrees with my brain and starts speeding up and I get so panicked that it stops and I get zapped by the devil machine in my chest.

I have a lot of resentment towards my device, I didn't get a choice in the matter of getting it either. when I was 9 after crashing my bike multiple times and injuring myself in the process people were trying to figure out what was wrong as it became apparent I wasn't as clumsy as everyone thought I was, I mean I can still destroy a room just by tripping over my own feet but this was something other than that, First though was its got to be my brain, I had an MRI and everything checkout out with that nothing in my brain was making me crash my bike or collapse unexpectedly so next step was a heart Dr where I had a stress test, when the test was over nobody said anything to me, the Dr's took my mother to another room and when they came back I was put into a wheelchair had an IV stuck into my arm and was admitted to the hospital. For a 9 year old that's fucking scary. I spend almost a month in the ICU before I got so depressed I stopped eating and they eventually moved me to the children's ward where I spent another two months getting tests done and surgeries for biopsies till they slapped the condition of Long QT syndrome and then scheduled me for surgery to have the pacemaker/defibrillator put in and the long QT condition which was a misdiagnosis as I have now been diagnosed with CPVT which is basically the same thing and has less known about it than the other thing, once again my blood was taken and sent to a lab where it was discovered that I am a genetic anomaly and that nobody has seen a strain of DNA like mine before, my heart is fine though, meds and the devil device help.

I have though created a cage for myself in order to never be shocked and in doing so have become quite the crazy. I can't stay home alone, I can't do anything alone, I'm scared all the time and have successfully driven away any friends I had previously and am slowly driving my family to insanity with my insanity. If I had one wish it would be to never be afraid again and even though I struggle to control the fear, its just so hard and tiring and sometimes I just want it all to stop. The fighting and the fear and just everything. ugh this got depressing fast didn't it? anyway lets wrap this up. Don't make resolutions just live your life, lets things happen and take it day by day. that's what I'm trying to do at least in my own crazy way

I'm hanging on the best I can, I have an amazing therapist and a handful of friends I know I can count on, This new year will either make me or break me. I have so many plans so lets hope I can make some of my dreams a reality. anyone who needs someone to talk to feel free to shoot me a text or something 352-428-5469 or an email nt68863@yahoo.com I can't say ill be of any help but Ive done and been though some pretty shitty stuff so maybe you can learn from my mistakes or just have someone who will listen to whats going on.