Frozen in Fear

I haven't felt much like posting anything the last few days, not entirely sure why. Its still hard getting through each day without scarfing down every bit of food I see but my cravings are more manageable now. I have been really tired though, which could be because I'm not running solely on sugar now haha or I'm just not getting enough sleep, who knows. Its been a weird week for me.

For the last few years Ive struggled with a panic disorder, I no longer live my life normally, I'm in a constant state of fear and anxiety theres hardly a moment when I'm not anxious about something. It completely controls me, I could be doing something Ive done for years and then suddenly I'm frozen in fear and cant move or breathe or think. Its really very frustrating, in my mind I cant even imagine doing something normally even that makes me nervous and afraid.

Its very hard on me and my family and has completely destroyed my friendships, I used to be surrounded by friends and drive and go out and do stupid stuff, now whatever friends I do have are online or have to come to me, Its part of the reason I turned to food so much because I had nothing else to do but sit inside and eat and sleep. I'm not sure how I will get over it, I try every day. Its a struggle just to compose myself enough to get out of bed and go out with my aunt but I only do this because the thought of staying home alone is more terrifying than what could happen going to the gym or the supermarket although sometimes I cant even do that as those things are terrifying as well.

Someday I know I will be able to go back to the way I was before, hopefully before most of my family dies off because I would really love to be able to take Ollie on walks again or drive or just do something other than what I'm doing now.

I need to think more like Vinny which isn't really thinking at all he just does stuff hehe